Leisure Suit Larry 5 – WON!

Written by Alex

Another Larry game in the books. This one . . . this one was a real doozy. Between the lack of puzzles, the overdone hand-holding, the repetitive nature of the gameplay, and the controversial nature of some of its jokes, I’m ready to move on. After my last post, things can’t get any worse. Can they?

I guess they can! Unless you find jokes about Mexican accents not to be as inflammatory as blackface! At least I got 1 point for looking at this billboard. What’s that, you say? There are no jokes about Mexican accents in the above text box? Let’s see what happens when Larry calls the number (7 points):

I don’t find this offensive at all—it’s just an accent joke, for crying out loud—but your outrage mileage may vary.

Anyway, in order to call this stupid number, Larry needs to find a quarter. Just like in New York and Atlantic City, Larry does so by exploring the airport. Here in Miami, the western section of the terminal has a cigarette vending machine that Larry can snag two quarters from (5 points). I also check out the rest of the advertisements to find the number for Miami’s limousine company (1 point).

These used to be a thing.

So with two quarters in hand, why not call the fake green card company? Even though nothing in the game whatsoever has tipped me off that this may be a good idea—other than the fact that I’m in Miami, I guess, and trying to find a Latina—but since this is Larry 5, of course you should call the number. The green card will then be waiting for Larry in the trashcan outside. I call the limo company, too (3 points) for good measure.

See the BLUE thing sticking out of the trashcan? That’s the “green” card.

There’s the limo, just like in the other two airports. And there is Larry’s fake green card (12 points). This doesn’t even qualify as a puzzle, since I didn’t figure anything out: There was nothing to figure out, and by the time Larry learns he needs the green card, he’s already got it. Unless, I suppose, you don’t call the green card forger’s number at the airport, and do at the dentist’s office. Is this game trolling me by parodying adventure gaming tropes, or is it just way too easy? You be the judge.

In any event, the limo, this time driven by Bobbi Biang, deposits Larry in front of Doc Pulliam’s office, situated above a gymnastics studio. Full disclosure here: My lovely wife is a dentist, so I approve of all of these jokes.

Full disclosure part two: I spent about 10 minutes trying to make Larry open the stupid door to the dentist’s office due to what I at first thought was a fatal bug. Clicking the “Hand” icon on the door made Larry inch towards the door without interacting with, sort of like an asymptote, agonizingly close but never touching. I searched online for help through this bug, and found no one else reporting this particular problem. I restored to an earlier section, and ran into the same problem. In frustration, I made Larry go down the stairs, back up, and then tried the door. It worked. Go figure. Was this a puzzle? If so, this game can kiss my asymptote.

The dentist’s office is quite garish, what with all of the tooth-related artwork. There’s a door to the right I presume I need to enter, a telephone to the left I presume I’ll have to use to (sigh) call the limo again, a receptionist whom I assume will be my adversary for this section, and a doily on the table to the right I assume I have to take. I take it (5 points), and proceed to talk to the receptionist.

She’s quite rude, and makes Larry fill out a questionnaire in order to get an appointment. There are many questions, and getting one wrong takes Larry back to the beginning of the sequence. Just be cynical and answer them as you think Al Lowe would intend you to, and you’ll be fine. Here they are, because I enjoy sharing pain:

1. Do you have dental insurance?
2. Do you have LOTS of dental insurance?
3. Are your teeth overly sensitive?
4. Are you allergic to pain?
5. Do you ENJOY pain?
6. Do you enjoy sharing your pain with others?
7. Do you enjoy mechanical objects in your mouth?
8. Do you enjoy other people’s hands in your mouth?
9. Do you enjoy rubber in your mouth?
10. Do you swallow?
11. Have you ever heard of AIDS?
12. Do you know anyone who has ever hired a lawyer?
13. Do you know the definition of “malpractice”?

Doing this correctly (13 points) gets Larry an appointment . . . nine months from now. Trying to talk to the receptionist again gets Larry no further. I scroll through my inventory, thinking like an adventure game programmer. Larry just picked up a doily. It is the only new inventory item since getting to the doctor’s office. I click it on Larry, and he wraps it around his head (8 points), feigning a toothache. This actually works in getting Larry to see the hygienist (he never gets to visit with Dr. Pulliam, probably for the better) (17 points). I suppose Larry could have done this first to get in, foregoing the points from answering the questionnaire, but getting into the office quicker. I don’t know if this technically meets the definition of alternate solution, but it underscores how pointless the questionnaire is. If there was any reward for maximum points, I could see why such a design choice was made, but since there is no reward for maximum points, I’ll chalk it up to . . . copious cocaine consumption, I guess.

The game makes a Three Stooges reference here. I approve.

Chi Chi Lambada, I presume?

Yep.

Here, Larry can do his standard “talk to the woman until she either tells you what she wants or you get points” shtick, so I do just that, remembering to switch Larry’s camera on. It turns out that Chi Chi is an “undocumented worker” who missed out on Reagan’s amnesty a few years prior (1986, to be exact), and would really like to be legal. Good thing Larry has this random green card lying around in his inventory. But first, remembering from an earlier play through, I rather creepily and repeatedly click “Hand” on Chi Chi’s straining blouse, until it comes unbuttoned, offering a shockingly graphic picture I’d rather not reproduce (2 points). Wow, how pervy can Larry get? I hurry up with things and give Chi Chi the green card (15 points). Thrilled, she does a sexy dance and invites Larry downstairs to the gymnastics studio for some one-on-one time (40 points). You can see where this is going.

The entire sequence here involves Larry injuring himself on gymnastic devices and not getting any action. Good thing he taped it (20 points). Nothing left to do but call the limo company again, get my boarding pass for L.A. (4 points), and give my tapes back to Silas.

Here’s where the endgame kicks in: There is a cut-scene of members of C.A.N.E. paying a politician to clean up the airwaves, but guess what: It doesn’t matter. There are exactly two more actions for the player to actually participate in, but first, Larry imagines he is Humphrey Bogart talking to Ingrid Bergman in the final scene of Casablanca. This morphs into Inspector Desmond talking to Patti about all the great evidence she’s found throughout the game. I suppose this is where you learn what you did and didn’t accomplish, but since it’s impossible to lose this game, who cares?

Still, it’s nice to be recognized for your hard work.

ENDGAME PART ONE: Larry’s plane to L.A. begins to fall, fast. It turns out that the airline pilots’ union contract ended while the plane was in the air, so they walked off the job until the conflict gets resolved. You can imagine how this is a problem.

Larry’s life flashes before his eyes, and among other things, he ruminates about the choices the player made throughout the course of this game. I suppose, like Patti’s conversation with Desmond, it’s to let the player know what they’ve missed. Larry inexplicably regrets not degaussing his videotapes before he left his lab . . . but the thing is, I did! Damn you, game, trying to short-change my playing! I call foul.

Back to the task at hand, Larry has a humorously calm conversation with the stewardess about the plane’s slight altitude problem before volunteering to help since he, as a former traveling software salesman, sold flight simulations—including Sierra’s own Red Baron!—obviously making him qualified to land a commercial aircraft.

Here’s another blown situation for a puzzle. See the top portion of the screen? Just keep clicking “Hand” and eventually Larry hits the autopilot button, saving the plane from doom (100 points). No puzzle, no brainpower needed, and no need for ANYTHING, since doing nothing causes Larry to run out of the cockpit in a panic and accidentally hitting the autopilot button, garnering him no points but still safely landing the plane.

After a bunch of dick-jokes, of course. What did you expect?

A gaggle of reporters (the technical term) is waiting for Larry in the airport, and President George H.W. Bush even calls, inviting Larry to the White House for a special honor. The President, of course, will not be attending, but Larry will still get to meet Vice President Dan Quayle, something our hero is inordinately excited about.

No one can get Larry’s name right.

So it’s off to Pennsylvania Avenue for a date with destiny!

ENDGAME PART TWO: We now take control of Patti, waiting in the White House with Inspector Desmond, where she has been asked to perform.

Just then, who walks in but Larry Laffer! Something stirs in Patti’s memory, and her heart. She leaps up to meet her erstwhile lover. They embrace . . . and then:

Patti and Desmond join Larry at the head table. Larry gets the seat next to the Vice President, which thrills him so, and Patti is next to an stinky loudmouth bore who goes on and on about working to scrub the airwaves clean of pornographic content while also searching for a host for some show where they’re trying to find the sexiest woman in America. This gets Larry’s attention, but what Patti notices is the song this person, who introduced himself as Mr. Bigg, keeps humming.

And then the bombshell drops!

So now we know what happened in Larry 4, and we come face-to-face with that game’s villain! Julius, you bastard! How dare you cheat Patti out of royalties! Compared to the maniacal supervillains, flesh-hungry cannibals, and, uh, dogs with poor bladder control that we’ve faced as antagonists in the Larry series, you’re the worst! Actually, the cab driver from Lost Wages was the worst, but I digress.

Julius pulls a gun on Patti. Oh no! Remember that brasserie cannon she got at the FBI labs? Just click that on Julius to shoot him (100 points) and officially win the game.

Yet somehow the brasserie cannon didn’t kill Julius like it did that poor FBI worker.

Yay! We won! Larry, Patti, and Desmond take a trip to Camp David with the Vice President and his wife. The VP expresses interest in watching the video tapes Larry has. Off they go, with Patti seeming less-than enthusiastic to be getting back together with Larry.

The end, thank God.

But wait! There’s more! The game tells you how pointless it was:

“Hey person who spent upwards of fifty American dollars for this game: Thanks for playing! Even though everything you did didn’t amount to a hill of beans."

And with that one final F.U., Larry, Patti and co. fly off into the sunset. This little coda tells you that: Julius got off with a light sentence, nothing happened to the Mob, Reverse Biaz lost his job, and K-RAP and P.C. Hammer became an even bigger success. At least I got all 1,000 points, for what that’s worth.

Nothing.

At the very end, after the credits, the game prompts the player to save, as they have a surprise for them. It’s . . . a soundboard of the game’s digital samples. Yay? At least they are high-quality, and were probably pretty sweet at the time.

Ever wanted to make digital early-90s fart sounds? Click “Do Not Touch” and now you can. Leisure Suit Larry 5, folks! A game that started out promising, but soon wore out its welcome!

Whatever this means . . .

Oh brother. Final rating to come. I'm sincerely sorry to anyone who played this along with me.

Total Points: 1,000 out of 1,000

Inventories:
Larry: Hidden camera, charger, Michelle’s tape, Lana’s tape, Chi Chi’s tape, three resumes, napkin from Hard Disk Café in New York City, AeroDork Gold Card, AeroDork’s in-flight magazine, matches from Tramp Casino in Atlantic City, business card for Doc Pulliam in Miami, doily
Patti: DataMan, Reverse Biaz cartridge, P.C. Hammer cartridge, brasserie cannon, gold record, Reverse Biaz tape, evidence tape, photocopy of Krapper’s “Personal” folder

Session Time: 1 hour and 25 minutes.
Total Time: 6 hours and 10 minutes.