Game 55: Leisure Suit Larry 1 (VGA) - A Lubber for Love

Written by Alex

Having to do that dumb quiz every time you load up this game gets to be kind of annoying. There’s got to be a way to skip it.

Anyway, back to Lost Wages, where we left Larry standing in a hallway in Lefty’s bar near a drunk and a door.

What happens when you use the “smell” icon on the guy.

The guy asks for a drink. I try to give him a dollar, which he takes, but says he “could really usshh . . . a good, sshhtiff belt!” Well, it’s a good think I happen to be carrying this shot glass of whiskey! Larry gives the drunk the drink, he drinks it, and gives Larry his only worldly possession, a television remote (2 points). Although Larry finds no use for it, the image of him pointing it at his junk and hitting the buttons is pretty funny.

Funny, that is, if you have the sense of humor of a ten-year-old. Which I do.

Moving along, Larry heads into the door on the right, which leads, appropriately enough, to the head.

Clicking the zipper icon lets Larry take a leak for no points, and the hand icon lets him pinch a loaf for 1 point.

In case you were wondering what it looks like. Which you were.

But don’t flush that toilet! It overflows, and instead of opening the door and leaving, Larry stands there like a dolt and lets himself drown in toilet water.

One of the grosser deaths.

A quick restore later, and Larry is less-inclined to practice personal hygiene, but still, there’s a sink in the room, so he may as well wash his hands. What’s the worst that can happen?

This is actually pretty terrible!

And what’s this? There’s a diamond ring in the sink that some dummy left behind, so into Larry’s pocket it goes (3 points).

Some of that graffiti looks interesting, and I swear I see a blurry version of the F-word. Repeatedly clicking the “eye” icon on the wall shows some of the “wittier” entries, including such gems like:

• “Scott me up, Beamie!”
• “Attention arcade game players: please don’t eat the urinal cakes!”
• “It takes leather balls to play rugby!”
• And “The password is: ‘Ken sent me’” (2 points).

Password, eh? I think I know where to use this!

In this version, as opposed to the original Larry 1 where you have to type the password out to use it, Larry writes it down himself, and it appears in your inventory as the words “KEN SENT ME” (Ken Williams, perhaps?)

Continuing on with my practice of pointing out the differences between the versions, in the original, you also start out with some useless pocket lint in your inventory; that is absent in this remake.

Leaving the foul-smelling bathroom with dirty hands but an empty colon and a diamond ring, Larry realizeshe did not notice the rose on the table in the hallway. I make it mine (1 point) and continue back to the Naugahyde door in the main barroom. Larry knocks, whispers the password, and gains entrance into the back room, where a pimp demands $200.00 to see who—or what—awaits up the stairs.

Dig the back end of the moose to the right. Clicking the zipper asks the question: “Jeez, Larry! Who has the bigger antlers, you or the moose?!”

Larry doesn’t have that kind of dough, so he needs to find an alternative method to get to the room upstairs. I see a TV, but it’s useless thanks to the lack of knobs. Good thing Larry has a remote! He stops pointing it at his crotch long enough to point it at the TV (3 points). Larry scrolls through various channels, including a soap opera, a commercial, a musical comedy, a documentary, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, a cable sports show, Masterpiece Theatre, and a porno (8 points), each with accompanying music, which was absent in the original. The pimp walks away from the stairs to watch the dirty movie, leaving Larry free to ascend. A pimp watching a porno alone in a darkened room is pretty nasty, so let’s get out of here before things get messy.

I’ll, ah, just leave you here to, you know, work things out on your own . . .

Upstairs in the hooker’s bedroom is a table with a box of candy, which Larry snags (2 points), a hooker, and a distinctive aroma.

. . . I got nothing to say.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first two black characters we meet in this game are a pimp and a hooker! I’m not saying, I’m just saying . . .

Well, nothing left to do but hop into the bone zone! A quick save, and then. . . .

The game’s first ass-shot! And hopefully its last!

You mean the game’s not over now?

Now that Larry’s pipes are cleaned (11 points), nothing left to do but defenestrate himself!

The window takes Larry back to the fire escape in the alley of Lefty’s. A fall down into the dumpster brings Larry back to the street. Let’s take a taxi and see what else we can do in Lost Wages!

Uh oh . . .

Like true love?

Larry’s crotch blows up, and then . . . it’s gone!

Another gross death.

Uh, let’s restore, skip the hooker, and go straight to the defenestration. Larry will come back when he’s more, um, prepared.

I have to say, there’s lots of stuff to do at Lefty’s. This is one thing I appreciate about this game: each location tends to have many things to do in it.

Back out front, clicking the talk icon on the taxi sign makes Larry shout “YO! TAXI!” (as opposed to typing “Taxi” in the original), and before he knows it, Larry is riding in style!

Love the license plate (hint: read it backwards).

Talking to the cabbie gives a list of places he can take me, complete with a clickable menu: A casino with an all-night wedding chapel next door, and a disco next to a convenience store. Disco? Sounds like a good place to meet chicks! I tell the cabbie to take me there. The guy charges me $16.00, which I pay and get out (1 point).

Outside of the disco, the bouncer will not let me in without a pass. Using the zipper icon on him makes Larry ask to use the restroom as a ploy to get in. The bouncer doesn’t fall for it. Even trying to bribe the guy doesn’t work! Dejected, Larry walks one screen to the left and finds the convenience store that the cabbie told him about.

There’s the entrance to the convenience store, but I’d rather check out the pay-phone (remember those?). Clicking the “eye” icon on it makes Larry thumb through the phone book. The only legible number scribbled on the side is “555-6969”; Larry gets 1 point for discovering this information. Might as well dial this clever number (2 points).

A sex survey hotline! Remember when those were a thing? (I don’t).

Oh boy. The lady on the other end of this survey asks me a bunch of questions. Here goes nothing!

• “What is your name?” The game automatically replies “Larry; Larry Laffer.” I can type the rest of the responses.
• “So tell me, Larry: what is the best part of your body?” Duodenum “Oh, I so love a man with a manly, yet urbane, duodenum!”
• “And Larry, what is your favorite X-rated video?” Ubangus Uranus (a little shout-out to any Adam Carolla fans reading this). “Mmmmmm, mine too! I just love that part with the two women!”
• “Now tell me your favorite article of clothing.” Pocket protector. “Ahhh, and I can just picture you in it, too!”
• “Now, a few questions about your favorite lover. Larry, what is your favorite sex partner’s first name?” Duet Toomey
• “What’s the best part of Duet Toomey’s anatomy?” Eyebrow
• “What is Duet Toomey’s sexiest article of clothing?” Girdle
• “What’s Duet Toomey’s favorite object?” Haley’s Comet
• “And where do you two most enjoy making love?” Haley’s Comet (duh!) “Yeah, me too!”
• “And, finally, what do you and Duet Toomey like to do when you’re together?” Our taxes

And right as Larry’s about to get told what his prize is, the number cuts out. Oh well. May as well go into the store now.

Did the NSA install this guy’s cameras?

The store comes complete with a non-P.C. foreign store clerk with a sign informing me I have to ask him for “lubbers.” Might as well poke around first. Larry picks up an issue of JUGS magazine (1 point) and a gallon box of wine, for only $1.00! (1 point).

Gotta pay for this stuff, but might as well buy a condom on my way out. I think I know just where to use it . . .

Larry’s head does a 360-degree swivel before he asks the clerk for a “lubber.” There are several prophylactic-related options: Larry can choose between lambskin or latex; smooth or ribbed; colored or plain; lubricated or rough-cut; striped or plaid; peppermint or spearmint; light or heavy weight; normal or industrial thickness; plain or spermicide; large, giant, or gonzo size; before the clerk blares his choices out to the seemingly empty store (4 points).

Larry pays, giving the guy a “Thanks a lot, Saddam!” before leaving. This sequence gives Al Lowe a chance to demonstrate his patented level of highbrow, New Yorker-quality humor. On a slightly less humiliating note, Larry reads his copy of JUGS and finds an article about window washers securing themselves with a rope around the waist before working on the sides of tall buildings (1 point). A clue for the mysterious other window at Lefty’s, perhaps? If only I had some rope . . . In any event, Larry soon skips to the centerfold. Stay classy, Larry.

Larry leaves, and the phone is ringing! There’s also a drunk guy wandering around outside of the store. He asks me for change, and then for a drink. Well, I do have this box of wine, and if there’s one thing Leisure Suit Larry has taught me is that you give alcoholics what they want (5 points). The drunk informs me that he doesn’t have a remote control, but he does have a pocketknife, which he gives to Larry, warning that it just may come in handy given the prevalence of dangerous women preying on studs like him and Larry. Okay . . .

Anyway, Larry answers the ringing phone (5 points), and hears a familiar voice:

Yeah, remember when phone sex was a thing? Me neither.

With that out of the way, Larry eagerly pays another $12.00 for a taxi ride back to the hooker at Lefty’s! This time, Larry’s ready for the hooker. Quest-wise, we’ve come a long way from “Find the three magical treasures” and "Stop the Death Angel’s reign of terror,” that’s for sure.

The pimp is still watching the porno, but his pants are still on, thank God, and the room looks no worse for the wear. Larry heads upstairs, drops trou, slaps on the rubber (metaphorically, of course) (10 points), and gets down to it (11 points).

Yep!

Well, I think Larry’s done all he can do at Lefty’s for now. Let’s come back when we have some rope. In the meantime, let’s . . .

Oh, now what!

Who hasn’t done this from time to time, am I right?

I like how in the original Larry it’s Police Quest’s Sonny Bonds who makes the arrest.

It’s a good thing that clicking the “hand” icon on Larry removes and disposes of the used prophylactic in a way that the game refuses to describe (1 point). Larry can now move about free of interference from John Law. Looking at his rapidly diminishing money reserves, Larry decides a jaunt to the casino might be in order. $16.00 later, and . . .

It’s, um, majestic?

And this seems like a good place to stop for now. Larry needs cash, and this might be the place to get some.

Session Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes.
Total Time: 3 hour, 10 minutes.

Points: 69 out of 222 (how apropos).
Inventory: Wallet with $16.00, breath spray, watch (time: 10:23), diamond ring, remote control, rose, box of candy, pocketknife, issue of JUGS magazine, hammer, password.

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!