Game 49: Elvira - Ladyhawke

By Deimar

Jake Spenser Journal Entry #3: The job is going well I think. Better for me, as there seems to be no escape from this hell hole. The main keep is clean of ghosts, although one of them still attacks me from time to time. I went to the garden to see if I could escape from there but I only managed to meet some more monks, a guy obsessed with archery training and the castle gardener. A pity he was dead. Not dead as in “returned-to-the-world-of-the-living-to-feed-on-brains” but more in the vein of “viciously-killed-and-tormented” dead. I really want to get out of here but I only get complaints from Elvira that now wants me to get rid of some lard.

Having cleared the main keep, it is time to explore the rest of the castle. Or at least another section of it, the garden, with the hope of finding a way out of this madhouse. I left the armor in the kitchen, because it was quite the burden, and took with me a large shield and the crossbow with the crossbow bolts we found on the first floor. Leaving the keep, I notice that there is a large shield with a written inscription, but we don’t know the language yet. There is a spell in the spell book that can help with that, but we can’t cast it for now. And so, to the garden!!

Let’s see the many horrific ways of dying in this apparently peaceful place

The entrance to the garden is on the opposite side of the castle courtyard from the keep. Once we enter the garden the scenery changes completely. The music changes from a somewhat repetitive and mysterious tune to a slow-paced melody. It makes me sleepy. The grey stones transform into a green yard, but with walls covered by plants and moss. The road from the garden entrance is quite straightforward, with no branches. There are quite a few trees and bushes in the way containing several plants that we can take to make spells later.

The first crossroad takes us to a locked door we can not open at the moment. In front of the door we can find a straw archery target. In the vein of the first Quest for Glory, we can also practice our archery skill here. And that’s exactly what we do. The first bolt gets lost into the bushes, but after three more shots hitting the target, we become a master crossbowman.

Doesn’t have the appeal of throwing knifes in a goblin infested forest but it will have to do

I think now is a good time to explain the RPG part of the game, the character stats. There is a bar just over the inventory showing our six stats: Strength, Resilience, Dexterity, Skill, Life and Experience. Life is just our hit points and experience, contrary to typical RPGs, is just a score pointer that rises whenever we solve a puzzle and is not related to combat. Strength influences the weight we can carry and how much damage our hits cause. Whenever we are damaged, we lose life and strength. This is quite important because the more damaged we are, the less we can carry and the less damage we do in combat. We can get really screwed, although healing spells also restore strength.

Luckily for us, resilience reduces the physical damage we take. Wearing the armor gets us to 68 resilience and mobs did very little damage. With only the shield we just reach 22 so we need to be careful. Dexterity affects the time we have to chain hits and who starts the combat. Finally, skill is the stat that decides if our hits connect or not. It’s based on the weapon we are using and increases with use. With the dagger I had 20 skill, with the axe 10 and with the sword I started at 40 but now I’m at 46. Taking into account that if you hit you can keep chaining strikes, taking the axe instead of using the dagger was a very poor decision. But come on, it’s an axe. AN AXE!!

Hence, what we just did was raising our skill with the crossbow. Which is actually quite a good thing because as we continue through the garden the only way we can, forward, we reach a T crossroad, and continuing east we reach another of those friendly guys. Only this one wants to play with us, and launches a disc to see if we can hit it with a bolt. Only that the disc has the shape of a falcon going for our eyes. And flies like a falcon. And cries like a falcon when we strike it down with a bolt. But it is definitely a practice disc. The man must be a really sore loser, as he dissolves after watching his falc… emr… disc fall to the earth. Please don’t call PETA on me.

Not at all something a pet protection agency should be concerned about...

And that was our first puzzle. The reward is our first chest key, which is tied to the fake falcon disc’s leg and has the name “Tertius” on it. For those of you lacking knowledge of Romance languages or Latin, that means “Third”. Five more to go!. We also recover our bolt, one simply doesn’t know when you are going to need to shoot a disc from the sky again, and a feather.

But this part of the garden was another dead end, so I went back to the T cross road and took the other way. That led me to the entrance to a maze, but I’m going to skip this for the moment, as there are some nasty creatures inside. Following the road along the maze wall we reach the gardener’s cottage. It seems to have been assaulted. The door has been bashed down and the windows are broken. When we enter, the view is not prettier.

Yea, look at that decoration. Hideous! And the furniture! Don’t make me talk about the furniture!

Summoning my inner CSI, I examine the gardener’s body. He seems to have been trapped under the door. His throat was ripped off and now he is completely covered by worms. I even take a few of them for further examination, as my “Bones” sessions have taught me bugs can be very important to determine date of death. Or maybe I just saw worms are an ingredient for some spells. Whatever suits you best.

In spite of these posts, I am not that sadistic. This is just for giggles 

After cleaning my hands on the deceased’s jacket I proceed to take everything that isn’t nailed to the floor. A silver crucifix, a sledge hammer, some onions, sage and a biscuit tin. The tin is full of small packets of seasonal seeds, but taking them from the tin reveals a hidden key. Translated to game inputs that means looking into the tin, putting the seeds in our inventory or the room and then the key appears. It seems a little far-fetched to me. It would have been more natural to say something about the key after examining the tin or the seeds.

I have a feeling about the key and race back to the locked door. I try dragging it to the door to no avail, but selecting the door and clicking on “unlock” does the trick. However, now a pair of Jawas block our way. I deal with them swiftly thanks to the “even-more-awesome-than-the-axe” sword and enter the new room, which is a vegetable patch, full of plants that we can’t identify and that our character refuses to take until he knows what he is dealing with. As with most problems in life, anything can be solved with the right spell. In this case, Herbal Honey, which requires honey and hay.

I forgot to show these guys in the last post.
They tried to sell me some droids but we didn’t reach an agreement.

I had seen some hay in the courtyard so I decided it was time to explore it, albeit avoiding the four castle towers. I decided to go counterclockwise and the first room I found was a forge, just opposite to the entrance to the dungeons, our starting position. Not a lot to do here at that point but I found a crucible inside a box. I have to say that the enemies we can find behind almost every door always produce a very gratifying “AAAAAHH” each time they are hit.

The next room had a pile of hay just outside the door, from where I took a bit. As the hay hinted, this room is the stables. Again, nothing very flashy. Only a tormented guy that said something about saving him by killing a hound with a silver something. He must be a very bad kennel keeper who hates his job or something. The guy even started revolving in pain so I opted to leave him.

Some people just want to be noticed. Such a drama queen!

With no other things to do in the courtyard, I went back to the main keep, but when I went in, a woman’s cry got my attention and Elvira came running. She said that she was not going to go back to the kitchen until I got rid of that “lard bucket”. Wondering what she is referring to? So am I, but that will have to wait until our next installment.

GARDEN MAP:

COURTYARD MAP:

DEATH BONUS ROUND (TOTAL DEATHS: 4):

Go for the eyes, Boo!! Go for the eyes!!

The colour of each mob indicates its difficulty

This guy takes work too seriously. You have to guard the kennel, not become it...

Session Time: 0 hours 45 minutes
Total Time: 1 hours 35 minutes

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!

Game 47: Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All the Girls - Pheasant and SCONNs

Written by Aperama

Ernie Eaglebeak's Journal #2: Wait.. what just happened? This journal was supposed to be about how I was learning all of these new spells, and about how my dinner with Professor Tickingclock went a completely different way to how I was imagining (given that his wife Hillary was definitely more interested in me than in the dinner she'd made) – but now I'm stuck trying to work out why the back of my head hurts so bad more than anything. Okay, so after I'd finished my usual schedule of classes, I decided to use that key I.. found that Gretchen dropped.. and found my way into the President's House, where I got to see the Sorcerer's Appliance itself! Plus I picked up another spell, which led to another one after some work finding my way through dusty passages and a weird, corn-filled room or two. If I can work out how to use all of these new spells, I'd be way on my way to being able to kick the living heck out of Joey Rottenwood – but instead, I was sure.. my mom was there, I got hit in the back of the head, and now everything's trashed? After I get over this headache, it's time to find some answers!”

Told you I was being gallant, Kenny!

I definitely don't feel like I'm very far into Spellcasting, and I already get the feeling that having played previous Steve Meretzky games in the past is helping me. (I played The Hitchhiker's Guide as a younger man, and fondly remember a puzzle requiring me to have 'tea' and 'no tea' at the same time.) In that way, I suppose that I 'get' the idea of humour being interlaced into puzzles, if that makes sense – there is one that I looked at, rolled my eyes and immediately went on to solve as I realised that they were actually using an immense double entendre. I'll admit that after the pointer (thanks, Ilmari!) that the command 'take notes' would literally provide me with an in-game set of notes, I reloaded and received some extra notes on the classes that I'd already attended. My own notes were similar (albeit without pointers like '**GET ACNE CREAM BACK**' or little love poems to Lola Tigerbelly) but having them there makes me feel a little better about myself. It also makes me feel less like I missed out on anything.

A simple little set of notes on the 'Math and Science 101' class. Peloria sounds an awful lot like Discworld at this point!

When I last left off, we were going to bed after our first 'on screen' day of school at Sorcerers University (and our first in-game incident in a boudoir). Ernie appears to be very consistent – you can keep him up until around about 11:30, where he unceremoniously passes out until just after 8:00 every single day. The first screenshot in this post explains why we're sans one Gretchen as we wake up as she left us a note – she didn't re-steal her key back, which I think of as really quite nice of her. I noticed a 'President's House' when I was out on the boat dock near the Sorcerer's Stadium earlier, so I've got a fair idea of what the key unlocks – but first, class! Being the titular 'Spellcasting 101', this is (probably rightfully) the 'premiere' class of SU – the one where all of the people who don't really turn up to class miraculously find their way into the lecture hall. Ironically, for all that I was sorta looking forward to it, very little seems to come of it. I've got Ernie's notes in front of me, and aside from a few little jokes (such as telling people not to cast while drunk, as HURVON, 'clean tarnished silverware', can easily turn to HURBOM, 'summon a cloud of flesh-eating locusts', which I think could actually come into play eventually as I was told I couldn't cast BIP after drinking from a keg at Tappa Kegga Bru due to not being able to properly enunciate my words).. there's not too much to go off of. I'm looking at Ernie's notes here and the only three things I noted down that link in with this were 'we get MUK – 'raise dough' – on Monday's class, try casting a spell in a thunderstorm at 11:50 PM (impossible due to Ernie's sleeping schedule) and Sunday at noon will be the Junior Spelling Bee'.

I need to remember that you need to get a 'spell box' to learn a spell. Not that I think 'WIX' will exist in truth.. or will it?

The game takes five minutes per action.. and I have between 11:30 and 1 PM to explore – or in other words, 18 actions. This is actually plenty to run down to the docks and open up President House (5 actions, or 7 if you struggle with things like 'unlock door' – with what? - 'key' as I am quite wont to do) and rush back to class without missing out on anything between lectures. I was a touch disappointed with the insides of President House – though I was quite pleasantly surprised when a 'Graduation Nymph' popped out of nowhere and gave a little message explaining that Ernie is now a level 2 sorcerer! (The 'levels' matter as they enable you to cast spells, as I touched on briefly in the previous post.) There was a spell box with 'FRIMP' in it which I swiped before I was even able to take any more stock of the room I was in, giving me a new spell in levitation. The rest of the room seemed remarkably uninteresting – some books, a desk.. and what I can only assume is this game's MacGuffin, the 'Sorcerer's Appliance'. According to the game, 'The Appliance is about the size of a small closet. None of the five Great Attachments are in place. There are two buttons, one black and one white, on opposite ends of the Appliance. As always, its purpose is impossible to divine.' (The manual explains that it was first built by Waldo Nimblefingers in the years of the Great Melon Shortage, but doesn't actually let you know what it does.)

Oh, the most powerful item in sorcery might be there.. but I just graduated for breaking into a room with a stolen key. Best school ever!

The next lecture is on General Magic 101 – or to put it in a slightly different fashion, 'more lore under a different name'. This one has a little more information, I'm thinking, giving a list of assorted nasties (Mud Devils, Pufferslugs, Hellhamsters, Cankersaurs..) and ways in which to defeat them. I already know that one is to be paid attention to – the 'atomic dragon' which we took out in the simulation room was killed with a 'lead-lined sword', which the game makes mention is its hidden weak point. Does this mean that we're going to be fighting the Vamoose, 'a creature that is half moose, half gorgeous woman that lures its victims in with spells promising sexual delight only to gore them on its great antlers'? Perhaps, though I rather doubt it. Again, it feels largely as though I'm not going to have to worry about this too much. Still, it seems like we've got plenty to do on campus grounds yet, so I'm just keeping my three sets of notes (the ones I'm making, the in-game ones and having a full transcript of each play session) and worrying about it later. There's one thing that a 'levitation' spell seems like it'd come in handy for – the trap door in the lecture hall was 'too heavy', so my mind immediately flashed to trying out my new magic fingers..

I love it when a plan comes together

The notion of a foreboding empty hole to jump into was rather a strong force to ignore, but Ernie's schedule explains that between 4 and 6 he's to have 'Physical Skills 101' – and I've been such a stickler for forcing him to attend classes, so I simply can't explore. Turning up only gives us a short message about how 'he's excused due to a rather severely bruised pinky finger', though, so we're off to the deep, dark tunnels..

Caption contest? I think so!

You'd never believe it – it's a MAIZE. Yes, no good (or bad) adventure game can go without a ma(i)ze. This one is somewhat less egregious than most, though. It's a 5x5 square with no exit except for the manner in which you enter, with each room having a letter assigned to it. I'll include the little map I haphazardly scrawled to work my way through it – more fool all of you for not complaining about my handwriting earlier!

Once the letters were in front of me, there was no other way through I could see apart from 'TEX KIK QUIK(ISH)'

About five minutes of scribble later, and the obvious lettering (you probably can't read my terrible handwriting, but I assure you it's there) leads you down 'THIS WAY OUT'. When you go to the final and second 'T', an opening appears underneath you, leading you to yet another trap door and the 'Secret Society Meeting Room', along with a DISPAR spell box ('remove magical protection'), though again I feel like I'm expecting something more out of the room that I'm just not seeing. I'm mentally listing here and President House as 'come back to later' spots.

I feel like 'skull and corn' is some sort of pun I'm not getting...

I almost managed to get myself stuck, here. The next goal is to get to Professor Tickingclock's dinner – the only problem I had was finding where he'd actually invited me to come to! My first thought was the President's House – no such luck. He wasn't in his office – a whole bunch of running around finally led me to realise that I could actually go UP in the dorm hall. (I didn't see the tiny arrow in the top left of the screen – my bad.) I'd timed my maze run quite well and was perfectly in time to have dinner – a lovely affair with pheasant and potatoes. Prof. Tickingclock seemed a little tired, though, so after briefly discussing the Sorcerer's Appliance and his prized mystical surfboard of Spittul (both being 'magical', 'legendary' and 'dangerous'.. though I do note given our most recent spell that the surfboard has a protective enchantment on it), we leave the room.

Oh, like you actually thought we were here for the PROFESSOR...

The professor, it turns out, has a little bit of a snoozing issue – as soon as he gets his potatoes into him, he conks out almost straight away. This is, it turns out, why he has potatoes almost every night. Hillary makes no bones about it – Ernie is not there for every night, he's there for tonight and.. well, maybe he can make his way onto a schedule after that between the masseur, and.. maybe someone else.

This game's parser is very limited. Apparently, it doesn't understand the word 'be'.

I was willing to call it a night with the luscious splendour of Hillary's expensive crockery (she breaks several pieces) and sweating (I'm imagining we did some minor home redecoration whilst the good Professor was asleep), I felt like there was still more to be had from the day. With the revelation of 'up', I ran around like a crazy person looking for upstairs rooms. Above Meltingwolf Hall was what I feel I should have been looking for far before this point – a library! Inside wasn't an awful lot to look at, just a 'popular book' (points!) which reads like.. popular fiction. Enough said, methinks. No other books actually come up as interactive. However, there is a BUST..

I actually thought I'd be SKONNing it to read the bust – it turns out all I needed was a ladder...

KABBUL is to 'restore lost souls' – at this point, I'm not going to be surprised if it involves 'fixing shoes'. If there's more to be had 'In the Stacks', I couldn't find it – and after this discovery, we're about due to head to sleep. The next day seems like it'll go off without a hitch, so I head us off to the final class we have yet to cover, 'Math and Science 101'. We get a free map for our troubles (which is apparently the one that comes with the game box). It gives a short idea of some areas surrounding SU along with some ideas of how the seasons work, using a whole bunch of references to gigantic ice monsters, dragons and rodents controlling the seasons. It's more in the 'note this down for later' basket in my mind, with one lone exception that definitely caught my eye, albeit not due to THIS game..

Uh.. Corey Cole, do I detect a hint of homage here? I feel like my original QFG2 manual did delve into what we all know to be the true fifth element, but it might be my mind being revisionist..

I was looking forward to the second set of classes at this point – all of them had quite a bit of character to themselves, with each day having new things to search for. With an open mind, I started searching around for new things to interact our new spells with..

And a nice little cliffhanger to leave off on!

Inventory..
A spellbook with BIP (romantic music), SKONN (statuette enlarger), FRIMP (levitation), DISPAR (remove magic protection) and KABBUL (restore lost souls)
A cloak
A college registration form
An almost full pack of cigarettes
An embossed key
A notebook
A scribbled note
An ancient map

Session Time: 1 hour 30 min
Total Time: 2 hour 30 min

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!

What's Your Story - Laertes

Answers by Laertes

Introduction and Captions by TBD

My googling has suggested that Laertes is both one of the Argonauts and a character in Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Is Laertes named after one of these guys?

My home country is… Spain 

From my limited knowledge of Spaniards, I assume Laertes is an expert right-handed swordsman on the hunt for a six-fingered man.

My age is… 40

The first adventure game I played was… I am not sure but it must have been Monkey Island I. I played the Spanish translation, and I only understood the "red herring" puzzle much, much later, in fact a few years ago. 

Language specific expressions must be very hard to translate effectively

My favourite adventure game is… Difficult to choose one but probably Monkey Island II with Day of the Tentacle as a close second. 

Day of the Tentacle is likely the first fully-voiced adventure game many people played

When I’m not playing games I like to… I seldom play games anymore. Only some oldies in ScummVM, Dosbox or emulators or some Roguelikes from time to time. My main leisure activities are reading and playing guitar. Rather trying to play guitar more than actual playing.

I like my games in (a box, digital format)… Probably in a box.

The thing I miss about old games is… I don't miss them, they are still with us in all their pixelated glory!

The best thing about modern games is… I don't play modern games, only some roguelikes as I said above, if we can consider them modern. When I see friends or relatives playing new games they really don't appeal to me. Too much eyecandy and little game. I am only attracted to flight simulators but I don't want to spend the time required to really enjoy them. The last games I bought probably were simulators like Falcon 4.0 and Flanker 2.0, but that was many years ago.

The one TV show I never miss is… I prefer to read over watching TV, but I'd say here The Big Bang theory. 

I assume the TV series is based off the science textbook

If I could see any band live it would be… Of the active ones maybe Rush. Of the gone ones plenty: Queen, Led Zeppelin, Triana, Paco de Lucía (not a band, I know)... 

Paco de Lucía - flamenco guitarist

My favourite movie is… An old Spanish film called "¡Bienvenido, Mister Marshall!". (Welcome Mr. Marshall!)

One interesting thing about me is… Well, I don't know if I can be of interest to anybody.

Game 49: Elvira - I ain’t afraid of no ghost

By Deimar

Jake Spenser Journal Entry #2: This sucks. This chick asks me to banish a five hundred year old dead witch and gives me a dagger, a kick in the ass and a “I don’t what are you waiting for”. She has her castle full of soldiers and monks trying to kill me and she expects me to bring her her spell book? I don’t know who is crazier of the two, she for asking or me for doing it… On the other hand I have met a beautiful girl today. She is kind of shy and sleepy, but I think we can have a beautiful relationship.

We are no longer in Kansas. Not even in the US. Just in this land of fantasy called England.

So, the last time around, we had been left to fend for ourselves in the castle courtyard with a little dagger, two offensive spells, a healing cake (someone doesn’t care about my carb diet), our trusty bag and a meager excuse to explore the castle and eliminate its inhabitants. And these are not the friendly-ghost kind of undead, I decided to run directly into that room we explored last time with the axe and the shields, just next to the main gate. Go arms race!

Navigating Elvira is quite simple. Movement is controlled by the four arrows at the left, which allow you to go forward and turn to the left, right or 180º degrees. Basically, we are a tank. Although a limited one, because some of these options may disappear when the artists didn’t feel like drawing that part of the game… erm… I mean, when options are limited by the environment. A clear example of this are the up and down arrows which only light up when there is a way of going upwards or downwards.

We can examine any item in the graphic window by double clicking on it, although don’t expect the witty messages from Sierra or LucasArts. This is a pretty straightforward description. An axe is just an axe. We can take items by dragging them to the inventory at the bottom of the screen. We can select any item by clicking on it and some verbs at the right will light up depending on which actions are available for that object. For example, almost any item can be examined and you get a simple although longer description than by double clicking. Or we can use something, like the axe and the shield, which makes our character equip them. I seriously don’t know where this obsession with axes comes from…

Now I have an axe. Ho ho ho!

Now that I am armed and dangerous, it’s time to try to chop the main gate down and get the hell out of here. No way out. So after accepting our current predicament I decided that the best way to get started was to get even more weapons and armor. And for that we have to explore the main keep of the castle, whose entrance is directly in front of the main gate. At the end of the post you can see a whole map of the keep. As there is no point of reference, north is the location of the main gate.

I entered the main keep and got up a set of stairs. I was in a hall with several options. One door at each side, a set of stairs going up, and ahead through a hallway. I recalled the existence of an armory in this first floor, but I couldn’t remember which door it was, only that it wasn’t one of those. So I started to wander the hallway but got interrupted by what was clearly a renaissance faire actor, fully in character. With a real sword even. Such dedication is commendable. I tried to speak with him to no avail. Sadly, the man was not interested in roleplaying, just in soft combat. But with real swords. And real blood.

He just wanted to show me the quality of his weapon. And how the tip can be inserted into my heart

Combat in the game is also quite simple. We get a close up of the enemy in the main window, the cursor changes to either a sword or a shield and two new options appear over the verb list. The enemy and we take turns attacking, and defending when an attack gets blocked. When defending, we can block or parry, which is what the programmers understood for block left and block right. And there I thought these guys were English and knew how to write in the language... The enemy has a different animation when attacking to either side of the screen, but to be honest it is so fast and the cursor so imprecise that it is better to just guess an option. Hey, It’s a 50% chance! It is almost a viable strategy! When attacking, we can lunge or hack. I haven’t noticed any difference between them. So to sum up, my combat mostly consists in me spamming parry/hack.

As the door from where the guy came from was already opened, it seemed like a good place to start. Luckily, it was exactly the place where I wanted to be, the armory. A crossbow (without bolts), a sword, several axes, several shields and even two old flintlock pistols. I didn’t mention it before, but once we have double clicked an item in the room, if it can be taken, it appears in a special inventory called “Room”, accessible by selecting it at the upper left corner of the screen. We can also see which items have been left in the room, which cannot be seen on the main window unless the item had originally been found there. And we can drag the Room icon to the Inv icon to get all the items in the room.

Wherever you find a large quantity of weapons, it feels like Christmas

I took the sword, the armor, the crossbow, and the best shield. Just by getting the armor we wear it. Feeling very protected now that there was a layer of fine metal between me and the other soldiers which may be roaming the castle, I started to make my way into the keep. Sadly, as soon as I put my foot outside the armory, a message appeared telling me that the weight I was carrying was too much, making me lose one point of strength. 

I considered my options and decided to go to the kitchen, a nearby location further ahead in the hallway, down some stairs, where Elvira told me she would wait for me. I left everything I was carrying there but the sword, the armor, the spells and the bag. I am kind of attached to the bag, it was a present from my mom. And then I explored the kitchen. There are a lot of items in the kitchen: frying pans, casseroles, spices, wine, ham… And a dark passage behind the goods lift which Elvira offers to explore, but because of the darkness she can’t do anything there.

But it is not as if the trip has been in vain. If you know what I mean.
Wink Wink. Add more sexual innuendo that I couldn’t think of...

And now it is time to explore the keep. With just 44 points of strength left from the initial 50. And yes, I realize I could have left everything in the armory to avoid losing points… but where is the fun in that? Probably in Hawaii with my brain instead of in this castle. In any case, this first exploration allows me to kill every single guard in the first floor safely, and discover some objects along the way, but without getting anything due to the weight limitation.

The door across the kitchen stairs leads to the bar, but the only interesting thing here is a bottle of absinthe. At the end of the hallway there were two rooms. The one to the left was empty, while the one to the right had a yellow soldier, instead of the red ones I had found until now, and leads to the chapel. Here there is a prayer book, a strange silver cross with an octogonal hole in the center, a gold chalice and two gold candlesticks.

If only I could somehow get out of here with these, travel to France, use the money obtained from selling them to become the mayor of a city, take under my care the daughter of one of my workers and spend my life fleeing from the police… If only…

The left room in the entry hall leads to the library, where I take Elvira’s spellbook. Whoever took it from her clearly had OCD and needed to leave it in the right place. The other door leads to the sitting room, where we can find Elvira’s diary, saying something about a lost ring, a stake and some monsters among other things.

With the first floor totally explored, I went upstairs to the second one. The enemies on this floor are some jawa… I mean… monks, which are far easier to beat than the soldiers. The whole floor is mostly unremarkable. There is a bathroom with nothing in it but a bottle of laudanum hidden in a hole in the wall. I’m guessing Elvira is just that kind of girl. There is a locked room, to the west, next to an empty room. And there are a lot of bedrooms where we can find crossbow bolts in the drawers and wardrobes, a bible with a christian prayer in it and this girl...

Just like the sleeping beauty. I wonder if I should kiss her...

I think it’s better if we leave her be for the moment. And so, we have finished exploring the main keep. I came back to Elvira to give her the spell book, hoping for a warm, and maybe wet, thank you. But not even a glance. Elvira is surely playing hard to get with us. But that’s something we will see in the next session.

MAIN KEEP MAP:

DEATH BONUS ROUND (TOTAL DEATHS: 1):

No. Definitely no kisses

Session Time: 0 hours 45 minutes
Total Time: 0 hours 50 minutes

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!

Missed Classic 4: The Scoop - For Whom the Bell Tolls

Written by Kenny McCormick

Kenny’s filthy notebook (with stick figures animating his favorite pornography in the top right-hand corner) legible page #9: Yes! I found what those losers in Scotland Yard couldn’t! I’m like CSI! Who~~~~ are you? Who, who? Who, who? Wait a minute… what happened to the last guy who found the weapon? Oh, shiiiii~~~

So, here we have the weapon that had opened up a couple of new orifices in a woman and a man. Probably without their permission. My first impulse was to get back to Bond Street and show it to the owner of Araby’s. But you know I’m dumber than that. It’s time to explore the entire confines in the game since finding the murder weapon (and corrupting it with my fingerprints all over) is akin to winning half the battle.

Come roam the game with me, fellow adventurers! First up, the Hove.

Oh, now you tell me.

Sometimes, these cabbies will give you little tidbits of helpful information. Here we have Mr. Taxi telling us that Fat Fishy Fisher was leaving town for London on Monday at 8.30pm. Ooh… the intrigue!

Mmm… Catsby. I like cats. Yup. Love myself some pussy.

I seem to recall that Mrs. Catsby was Gladys Sharp’s ex-employer. So, it would be good to ask her about that conniving and greedy witch. Probably about all the other rich and famous people in the game as well since they would be in the same upper snobbish echelon of society.

Oh, I know some shit about that.

My word! What a bitc- uh… bitcoin worth of character this Gladys Sharp has!

Yes. She could have wound up with me. Between her leg- uh… legendary Tupperware parties.

The stifling air of bourgeois arrogance is so thick around here; 

you could cut it with a plasma knife.

With nothing else to see here, I took a cab and left for North Avenue. Check it out! A newsstand! What does my newspaper, the glorious Daily Courier, have to say?

Nope!

Hmm… I wonder what the newsboy’s name would be. Could it be Oswald? Cornelius? Manfred? Huxley, maybe? I’m very sure it’s going to be one of those quaint English names you could only get in Great Britain since this game is ba-

Goddammit, Telarium!

Yes, that’s a very fitting name for a… uh… newsboy. Another thing I like about this game. It operates financial transactions in the form of Wealth in D20 Modern RPG system. You can afford anything in the game as long as it’s within the means of your character. Because you can take all the buses, trains and taxis you want, that’s why.
Mr. Wrightwell is more than happy to pay for your cross-country bumbling attempt to apprehend a murderer, who is escalating into the ranks of a serial killer. Since you will be the one who gets stabbity-stabbed in the face if you fail as he prints his paper to lament the loss of his progeny reporter and probably charge your moms and pops for the obituary space, the bastard. I hope your paper never sells.

Anyway, I’ve still got the whole of London to explore. Hold it. What’s this?

Ka-ching!

And? And? Not getting any?

Dammit, where are the gems that Fisher got from Gladys who got them from Geraldine who got them from Tracey who got them from… er…

Ooh. What’s this?

Ka-ching-ching!

I told you (well, not literally) that I’m gonna rob you blind, Fisher. I am the master thief (and most well-groomed man) of London! Gem pouches are as easy to grab as nut pouches!

Let me guess, you found a plane wreck while you were there, Mr. Salter?

What? Where’s the doorman? Is this one of those haunted hotels that the UK is notorious for?

Look at who we have here. One of your dirty dealings to feed your gambling habits again, Gladys? Terrible. But not as terrible as that maitre’d over there.

Another victim claimed by the God of Bald Pates in London.

Let’s eavesdrop on them sordid little affairs again, shall we? No? Screw you. I’m the one playing here and that’s what I wanna do, you hacks. Sorry. Gotta do something about my Tourette’s Syndrome.

Ha! Little do they know that I already hold the pieces they are bartering! Since this pair is here, I reckon that this may be one of their usual hangouts. Might as well check with the waiter to see if he knows anything.

It’s funny you should mention that, Mr… uh… Waiter. I was wondering whether I should slap that ugly mug of yours which only a thrice-blind mother could love. And how the fu- uh, fudge did you know my name?

Are… are we playing Ultima V? Is it something this British eatery staffs do? You’ve never played Ultima? What are you, five? Okay, anyway, start digging for information with my Petty Cash Of Infinity +12.

Ah… the fat jokes.

I remember that he have some inheritance from a dead uncle, so, thanks for trying to throw me off.

Wednesdays, eh? Oh, will you look at that! It is Wednesday today.

Oh the indecency!

Wait. This is strange. Fisher (or, at least, his car) was spotted racing towards London at 8.30pm on Monday. How could he be in his office eating a meal meant for two from 8.15pm to 8.30pm, rush out for God knows what (possibly murder?) and return by 9pm?
Fisher deserves a harder look. I don’t believe that he’s the killer but someone (Agatha Christie, you feisty tease, you) is trying all out to frame his rotund rump. Time to check out his house for some clues.

*grumble* Rich uppity gem-dealing bastard who lives in a nice house while I dwell in squalor beside a 2-bit reporter while working as a 3rd rate reporter. *mutter*

Nothing?! WTF?!

After turning up short, I figured I might as well go check out the weapon with Araby’s. Which is probably what I should have done in the first place.

Coo! Coo! Bang! F*ck, I’m dead! – Guess a movie quote.

What did I tell you about the Bald Pated Plague of London?

I want that monocle!

Fisher! Really? No, that’s really too obvious. This is Agatha Christie, for crying out loud. It has got to be someone else. But who?! Who are you? Who, who? Who, who? Damn, I hate that song. I know you hate it too, which is why I’m going to insert it here now and then.

Out of leads to follow, I figured I might as well go see what my rival has gotten so far. To the Morning Star! And, oh, who’s this looker at the Reception?

Dammit! I missed eavesdrop- er… “observing” them.

Oh… a dear “friend”, eh? What did I do to get all those inside dope from you? Did I have to dope something inside you in exchange?

Speculative, not even circumstantial.

True, but he ain’t no killer.

That’s actually pretty insightful

Yep, she is a bi- uh… damn… I ran out of words that start with “bi”.

Why does he want to fire Johnson? It’s not like he could threaten his career. Unless Hemingway didn’t want a reporter smarter and more experienced than Johnson to chase after the story and uncover the true killer! <- Speculative, not even circumstantial.

Donkey Punch Barrage?

Hmm… Redman never even showed up in my suspect list so far… which means! Dun dun dun!

Yeah. She just needs a real man to give her some deep dic- uh…
dichotomous enunciation. Yes. That.

Is there anybody you don’t know?

And now, he’s like a dead dog. Geddit? Because he’s dead?
And he was a horndog? Fine, I’ll come up with a better one next time.

Whoa, I’m not that rich. Unless you’re planning to hook up with someone who is while me and you cook up a scheme to siphon his wealth off as you get knifed by the jealous husband with a jade pin. Wait, what was I saying?

Oh, you were, weren’t you? Can’t get enough of blowin’ the ol’ Scottish Bagpipe, eh?

We did? The entire evening? Wow… I didn’t know I could last that long. I mean, of course I did!

No. Don’t think so. It is used because it’s easily identifiable so that it makes it easier to incriminate the actual owner.

Accountants, secretaries, graphic artists and… editors? So, now my list of suspects is finally reduced to the following: Fisher (private business owner; accounting done by self), Irene (Receptionist), Beryl (Secretary), Hemingway (Day Editor of Morning Star), Redman (Night Editor of Morning Star) and… Wrightwell (Editor of Daily Courier)!

Ha! You’re a funny one, Irene! That really turns me on…

I believe he’s actually Tracey but I don’t think he’s the killer.

Hmm… You’re right, Irene. My list of suspects is again reduced to the following to incorporate only Morning Star staff: Irene (Receptionist), Beryl (Secretary), Hemingway (Day Editor) and Redman (Night Editor).

Yeah, he’s a total @$hole. Unlike me. Give Beryl my number, will ya?
I will try my best to… “console” her.

To be loved is to not to know you were holding it until you have lost it.
– Rare non-sexual and sentimental moment from Kenny McCormick.

Oh, so that’s what this item is used for; a poontang magnet

See? I knew it wasn’t just me and my perverted outlook of life!

He didn’t. But Johnson sure did… with a River God Jade Hairpin!

Ah ha! Redman, you sneaky killing bastard! But no. I can’t link him with Geraldine’s death at all, even if he might have the means and motive to do in Johnson.

Wow, Irene sure is a verbose one. I’ll make sure to put that tattling mouth of hers to good use on my ol’ Scottish Bagpipe later. That said, since the killer is somewhere here in the Morning Star, I might as well check out the rest of the place. Lo! There be Ernest Hemingway! Pulitzer Prize Winner, Nobel Prize Winner, celebrated author and venerated journalist! Why the heck did this Yank end up in London as an editor is anybody’s guess. Mine is that he’s up to no good.

Look at him. Just like the real McCoy. Look at me. Just like the real McCormick.

Do you teach him murder as well?

Wait, aren’t you the one who sent him out on this assignment?
If you are going to doubt his ability, why send him at all?

Listened to Lord Mayor’s Concert at 10pm? Hmm… I’ll check with BBC.

Sounds fishy… No alibi in the evening.

Wow. Fisher this, Fisher that. It’s like you knew. Or you framed.

Again, Fisher this, Fisher that. You’re the one getting fishier, Hemingway.

With nothing else to do, I thought I should follow the people I’ve just met back to their homes to unlock new areas in the game. I figured I might as well start with Irene.

Follow that cab! I’ve never had the opportunity to say that

I nominate Aperama, TBD and Joe Pranevich for the next Mop Bucket Challenge!

They are neighbors?! How did I miss exploring that area?! What a waste of time! I could have followed Hemingway, who’s the Prime Suspect #1, home instead! Better get back to The Morning Star again and see if he’s still there!

Argh! Shift has changed?!

Fine. Whatever. I’ll just interrogate Redman instead since he’s Prime Suspect #2.

Oh yeah? Well, you leave a skank everywhere.

I figured that, since Redman wouldn’t want to talk to me, I might as well explore the environs around The Morning Star instead for clues since I’ve narrowed the killer to be either a staff or someone who frequents this place on an extremely regular basis. To the left of the building’s entrance, I found the place where, if you fell from the scaffolding above, you would end up in.

A knothole? Not a glorious one?

With the dead-end, I proceeded to go back eastwards.

Look at that florist! Isn’t that sweet? He must be the killer!

Oh ho! What have here, old chap? It’s a nice little boy selling flowers! I’d bet he’ll have a name like Benny, Robbie, Tommy or some such. Y’know, because this game is based in London and there ar-

Goddammit, Telarium!

There must be some kind of terrible kid-hating parent groups with equally terrible last names lurking out there in London who just can’t wait to spawn ill-fated kids destined to fulfil their uninspiring and unsurprising namesakes. They ought to have an Unfortunately-Named Anonymous support group for such kids.

Guy 1: “Hi, my name is Foreman Printer. I work as a Foreman Printer.”
All: “Hello, Foreman.”
Guy 2: “Hi, my name is Bestiality Pornstar. I work as a Be-”
All: “Holy shi-”
Guy 2: “-ekeeper.”

Jokes aside, there’s a lot you can glean from florists situated beside any workplace if they do not honor any business transaction confidentiality. Any man buying flowers are definitely in it for the punani, so you could easily find out who’s getting horny just by knowing if they had been buying flowers.

Hemingway; Prime Suspect #1. Again more likely now.

That’s for Beryl. Nothing strange.

Redman is officially struck off my list of Suspects. Now I’m only left with Hemingway since the shoeprints at Geraldine’s house already confirms that the killer is too large to belong to either Irene or Beryl

Er… Good to know?

Eh… Nice to know too?

Of course he did. Else I’d kick his dead ass for being a pansy.

Speaking of pansies…

Further down the road, I chanced upon a pub named Cheshire Cheese. Mmm... I love cheese.

Ah ha! More sh!t going on, I see!

Yeah, thanks to yours truly. Wait, how did you guys know?!

Yeah, mine.

 This is the 1920’s, sucker. Fingerprints aren’t in vogue yet, let alone a database of prints to correlate them to. And how the hell could they check when the pin’s still with me?!

I don’t wear gloves! How could the pin not have my prints?! Also, the pin is still with me!



Hah! Ahead of you, losers!



And yet, my boss still didn’t run my story on our paper. What an idiot. It’s not like I don’t repo...r...t...

Okay, seriously, I have to get back to The Daily Courier today or tomorrow at the latest. But first, let’s check out what the pub keeper with a probably very jazzy name (like Caleb Coolridge, Angus Deloitte, Terrence Gottfried or some such, because London) has to say.

Yup. Cool name. F*ck you, Telarium.

 I prefer GIMLETs.

 Ha! Stupid Yanks, amirite? Uh... I mean; Pip pip, tally-ho, cheerio and all that, old chap!
By the way, have you heard of the Hair-Loss Epidemic of London?

 Kidney pie? I’ve... I’ve never heard of any offal confectioneries before. Has anyone ever tried that?

 Hah! The funny ones are always the ugly ones. Which is why I have absolutely no sense of humor.

Oh, you NPCs trying to throw me off my scent again. It’s almost adorable the way you try it.

Oh, really? Wait till I impress her with me ol’ Scottish Bagpipes.

At least, it’s her ears that are open and not her legs.

 Hahaha! Johnson! Under his belt! Hahaha! Johnson getting on your nerves!
Hahaha! You are one funny barkeep!

 Hmm... Oliver must have heard the news about Johnson and came here to gulp down a drink before heading out to Victoria Station.

And Redman is off the hook.

Finalizing my findings, I checked with Oliver whom is still in the pub to exchange our ideas on a strictly professional basis, reporter-to-reporter.

Yes, he most probably did. May I ask how did you and Redman know about this when I’m the one who found and hoarded it thus far without anyone knowing about it?
Did someone film me with a cellphone and upload it on Youtube or something?

Oh, you did not just bring me moms into this, you ugly rat-faced sonofabi-

Know what? I had better get back to the Daily Courier to check on things. I forgot I was a crime reporter for a moment and was totally immersed by the sheer amount of details of this game.

Look at that smug mug. If this had been a modern open-world game…

But first! To BBC!

Oh, why didn’t such shit happen in RPGs where money actually matters?

No kidding! I’m at the illustrious Savoy Hill where The Scoop radio plays were recorded prior to its relocation in 1932. Looks pretty small compared to the real thing though.

Well, that’s just disrespectful. You should have given him a full beard.

Look at that guy with purple tinted glasses. I wore that shit in my teens and thought it was cool! I didn’t know they had that in the early 1920s! This guy reminded me of Elton John, actually. I guess he should be a prominently named character then. Jelton On, maybe?

I think tee-tum-tee-tum is great because Brits sure love their tea-tum.

Are you sure it’s your dream and not what your parents wanted?
Naming you like that will really limit your aspirations.

Damn! Hemingway’s testimony and family alibi takes him off the hook!

Hmm… not much clue to be had for Saturday night here.

Finally, I’m dead-ended. I am left with a single suspect and he has an ironclad alibi. Right. I had better get my ass back to Wrightley or Wrightwell or Whoever-My-Boss-Is. He could probably point me to the correct direction.

Joke’s on you, fatboy! All-expense-paid cross-London escapade! ZING!

Ha! You’re so funny! Also, you don’t need to pay him his last paycheck since he’s dead, right?

I have a photo of Manwaring wearing bikini that you could run.

Wait, what?! Give it to Scotland Yard?! Could have told me so earlier! Oh… er…

Wait, what?! Give it to Scotland Yard?! Could have told me so earlier! Oh… Déjà vu…

It would help if you actually print anything to sell.
  Or are we running an e-news website where Canageek lives?

He’s an @$hole, that’s why.

How could I? Because I can.

Yeah, well, the bugger wouldn’t even talk to me and I can’t stand him.

After checking everything new I could with fatboy, the time was close to 1am. So I went back home to sleep.

Yeah, yeah. Been there, done that.

The game continues to provide hints through dreams to get you access to certain areas of the game if you had not been able to find them before. Which is a first, again. However, since I’ve already been to Araby’s, I opted to get my ass straight to Scotland Yard and hand in my ill-gotten gains (sans the gems, of course).

Oh, yes. Yes, it is. Can I have it back? I needs it. I wants it. My precious…
Filthy thieving hobbitses.

That worked out better than I thought.

After being arrested, I learnt a valuable lesson that stealing (especially from cops) is wrong. Oh, so very wrong.

Er…

Hmm…

Following my boss’ advice last night (or this early morning), I went to The Morning Star to find Oliver and found him in deep conversation with his boss.

Potts! I forgot about that sisterfuc- er… guy!

Since I just came from Scotland Yard, I opted to take a journey to Southampton instead to track down Arthur Potts. He may not be the killer but I’m sure he will be of great help to unravel this tangled ball of intrigue. Seriously, having 6 people writing the same story will cause a gigantic clusterfuc- uh… well… you know what I mean.

A wireless radio? Rich @$hole.

Am I the only one to think that he looks like Popeye with a different color scheme?

And with that, he shut me off. I lost an entire day tracking him down to hear that load of bull. Saturday? Okay, then. Let’s see what you have to say then. But, back to bed!

Forsooth! I canst see yonder across temporal and spatial realms!

I guess I must have missed a clue or the chance to follow Hemingway home when he knocks off from work. At least, now I know where Prime Suspect #1 lives. On to his home!

Editors make good living.

Wireless radio again! Rich @$hole.

Hmm… broken tubes. I guess that radio ain’t gonna be of any use anytime soon. Might as well speak to that old wrinkly thing knitting… something.

Uh… Monday, eh? Beethoven’s 5th… That’s what Hemingway said too.

A tube? Not 3? That’s a little strange…

Wait a goddamn minute. That doesn’t sound right.
So, Hemingway wasn’t the one who killed Johnson?!

So do bad ones, Mrs. Kent. So do bad ones.

Being an uppity high-society ex-socialite, Mrs. Kent could not offer any other information except that Hemingway was home during both murders.

8:10pm? Killing time!

Why, if it isn’t Mrs. Hemingway herself. Certainly looks less than pleasing. I don’t think she is the recipient of those flowers that Hemingway bought from Flower Boy. Best to check with her on her possibly philandering husband.

It sure is. I doubt clocks have a habit of stopping whenever Hemingway sat down for dinner unless his ass is Magneto.

Kent? It sure is distinguished, alright. Especially in Romania.

Oh, don’t you worry. He is definitely scoring some holes.

Like a moth to an open flame, no doubt.

Yes. That horrible green turtleneck does that to people.

Sounds like acting to me.

10:15pm? Bullshit time!

How do you tell time when both the clock AND radio are down for the count? A sundial?

Oh, hey, big guy. Don’t mind me.

Notice that the Search command is greyed out. Shit like this happens when someone is there to stop you from rummaging around. Now, I’ll just have to annoy him constantly until he leaves the home or use the Wait command which is more convenient and spends less game time. Being me, I chose the former.

Haha! Too late! I’m gonna be here till you move your fat ass out of your own bedroom!

Unable to deal with my incessant questioning and provoking, Hemingway hightailed out of his own home for me to commit multiple counts of larceny in the name of... something… good but… unlawful. Perhaps a hitherto unknown Chaotic Good deity or some such? I shall now christen said deity as Kilroy; because I hate Roy.

Woot!

Holy shiiii…

And Bingo was his name-o. This is probably what those two womenfolk had heard. The radio must have already been tampered with earlier on since there were actually 3 tubes and not 1 tube broken within. Now, to tally what those people in the household heard with BBC. Back to Savoy Hill!

Wait, his name is Turnkey? Why the hell didn’t you just put that as his official name on the top-left hand corner then, Telarium!?

Turnkey might not know why someone would wish to fake that signal but I do.

Well, well, well. What have we here? Hemingway, you bullshit artist, you.

Hemingway is the only person that corresponds to all my clues to be the killer. Except that I can’t find the motive or prove that he actually killed Geraldine and/or Johnson. I am missing something very important but I can’t find it anywhere. I seriously believe it has something to do with Gladys Sharp or Arthur Potts but the former is too tight-lipped to talk about anything important while Potts is too damn elusive to offer much help.

But, I’m sure Inspector Smart of Scotland Yard would be smart enough to figure this shit out. He is the fuzz, anyway, not me. If the world had to rely on crime reporters to solve them, we won’t need cops. So, off to Scotland Yard with this evidence!

Dafuq?!

Yay. Hooray for ineptitude of useless police worldwide. Now I have to do your job, Inspector? Can I get your pay as well? Do I get a gun and a badge? Only time will tell. Stay tuned for the last game post before the Final Ratings.

Also, it has come to my attention that the Digital Antiquarian had written a piece that had something to do with The Scoop. Well, f*ck that. Royally. I’m enjoying this game thoroughly regardless of whatever your opinions of what a masterpiece is. It doesn’t even sound like he tried.