Linus Spacehead's Cosmic Crusade - Over and Done With (And Final Rating)

Written by Morpheus Kitami

Right, let's get this over with. The Genesis version, hallowed be thy joypad mouse cursor, on earth as it is in hell, etc., etc..

Welcome to Detroitica, is that right? Five CAPs if I'm wrong and you correct me. I think the music was intended for the Genesis primarily, if you can believe that, because it sounds the least like the person designing it wishes pain upon players. Or maybe just luck, considering everything else I don't believe that to be true. The only thing I can interact with here is a computer, which is switched off. I can't use it, so I guess I have to turn it on somewhere else, like how most computers work.

You know, Dante's depiction of hell is really lacking in the platforming stages from this game. Yeah, sure, being a head stuck in a frozen, screaming vortex while Satan is at the center crying and screaming sucks, but imagine having to live in this stage in real life. This is merciful in one way, you don't die by getting hit by lasers, but it is crueler in the sense that you get shot and you are slowly taken back to the start of the level. This is right after a password point. (I decided against playing this from the start.

Cosmic Spacehead - Dreadful Warnings

Written by Morpheus Kitami

Because of the password system, I have to start from scratch until the game decides I deserve a code. So I pick up everything I can in the starting area, joke book, 1 gold coin and a teleport key. As I go through one of the platformer screens, I realize that Mr. Spacehead looks like the Kool-aid Man's shifty cousin, who can get you stuff if you don't ask too many questions.

This is supposed to be a pun on "lucky day", but I kept mentally thinking it as "luke e day".

Cape Carnival. That there's a slot machine. 99.9% payout, it says. I would suspect that Cosmic is the 0.1%, but it turns out he gets 50 lino dollars from it. I feel as though, in giving me no difficulty whatsoever in getting more money, it has cheated us both. I have done nothing for what I have, and it has no reason to be played. Nearby, there's both an advertisement for bumper cars, and an all expenses paid trip to a car factory. "That's the trip of a lifetime!"

Unfortunately, to get the trip to Detroitica, Cosmic needs a driver's license, because he is probably 5, but the attendant gives him a balloon as a consolation. I try to go to the left, but that's the bumper car race and I can't go in without speaking to him. I accidentally end up talking to him again, and in trying to get out of the dialog, I press escape. This quits the game.

Game 144: Cosmic Crusade (1993)

 Written by Morpheus Kitami

 Okay, I'm glad to have Urotsukidoji and Loremaster in the rearview mirror, its time to play some normal, western graphic adventures which don't involve spending hours at a school for no reason. Cosmic Crusade, never heard of this one, and I've been trawling abandonware websites for nearly two decades. Let's see what Wikipedia has to say...

In his adventures, Linus leaves Linoleum (using a fake ID for Larry Flynt to compete in a bumper car contest), quashes a robot revolution in Detroitica and gets gas from an abandoned space station.