Monday 29 December 2014

Missed Classic 4: The Scoop - Choosing My Sex

Written by Kenny McCormick

Kenny’s filthy notebook (filled with oodles of doodles on genitalia) legible page #1: Why am I working as a journalist when I could have joined the Sex Olympics and defeated my nemesis Brad Stallion in a challenge of intergalactic carnal conquest to compensate our manhood?

Sure, sure. I’m optimistic, alright. In either sticking my thing into someone or someone sticking something in me. Like a sharp metallic object.

So, prior to getting to this screen, I was asked a DRM question to search for a word in certain paragraph which I passed easily, this being a cracked copy and all. I feel less guilty about it when I think that I’m glorifying this game in a more public manner by digging it out of some 3.5” disc burial cairn excavation site. Okay, not really. I’m fine with it 'cos I owned this thing until the disk suffered an Attack Of The Mold Creature. “He’s such a fungi to hang around with.”, the stupid disk probably said.

Also, I’m asked to choose my sex (there’s only Male or Female and no “I Like It Every Day & Night” option). Then, I get to name this suave mustachioed ladies’ man in dated suede suit. That’s what Londoners used to wear right? So, anyway, I gave him a nice Scottish name of McCormick; the last of the proud Highlander McCormick clan. What fires burn in his heart for a sword, he had transferred to his peni- er… pen. Just pen. No “I” after that. Or “S”. Or anything.

So, anyhoo, notice that the screen’s real estate is being occupied into 3 distinct areas. The top bar shows from left to right: Location, Date, Time (notice it’s close to 11pm when the game starts?). The bottom screen shows the description that cannot be conveyed with visuals alone and usually shows either a redundant movement instruction chart (LEFT & RIGHT to move and UP to enter orifi- er… egresses, I mean) or a menu of commands like Maniac Mansion, only this game is its older & smarter overachieving brother who ended up down-n-out after losing all his money to crack, whores and crack whores.

So, here’s the thing: From what I’ve read in the manual, I’m an up-&-coming (this one is so painfully obvious that I can’t be bothered to do it) reporter for the Daily Courier. Like Superman without the powers. Or even Lois Lane. But the game is nice enough to set me up with a serial killer nemesis. Also, I found out that the Daily Courier is actually a rather sad piece of work with only one reporter covering all the goddamn news in town. The hell?

Every shit job in the world starts with a “Welcome.”

And in the red corner, we have The Morning Star; an impressive 2-storied publishing house with 2 editors: one for the night and the other covers the day, and a repertoire of talented veteran journalists. And why did I take this stupid job with an unappreciative piece of shi- uh, shiny star boss who forces me to turn tricks all day like his personal gimp? Dafuq I know but turning tricks is what I do best with thousands of satisfied peasants in Skyrim attesting to that statement.

Now, the first time I played the game, I assumed I was a Night Reporter – covering the news from the graveyard shift of 10pm to 6am. I’m gonna recreate that line of thought for you guys here just for old Nostalgia’s sake because she always makes me wear some rose-tinted glasses to look at old crap best left forgotten.

Right in the beginning, I’m stationed outside the Daily Courier, just itching to start my journalistic career. Oh, why didn’t I just start out as a paparazzi cameraman, snapping upskirt photos of celebutantes? So, I might as well just enter the building.

Oh, joy. An old coot for a boss. There goes my “Office Romance” Mass Effect style wishful thinking.

So, with a press of the Space Bar, I switched over to the menu and selected the Talk option with my Bald-Spot Boss.

Sure. McCormick this. McCormick that. Waitaminit. It’s past 11. Why the hell are you still here?!

Far be it for me to dispute the guy who hands me money - I hailed a cab down to Victoria Station.

Oh, really? You know everything, don’t you? Would you wanna trade jobs?

With a satisfying screech, in a split second I’m right outside the Station proper.

Isn’t that the cutest London cabby you ever saw?! Hey! There’s only 1 door! How did I manage to squeeze in there? Is this a clown car in disguise?

Looking at the time, I found that I lost 10 minutes in that cab. Was I kidnapped by an UFO? Should I check for scars on my lower back in case the driver had popped out one of my kidneys to sell in the Chinese black market?

Stay tuned, fellow adventurers.


  1. Emergency sale notice: less than three hours left on Broken Sword 5 - the Serpent's Curse (66% off). Deponia: The Complete Journey: 80% off).

    Sorry about the late notice: I didn't check the 12 hour sales before bed.

  2. Why am I working as a journalist when I could have joined the Sex Olympics and defeated my nemesis Brad Stallion in a challenge of intergalactic carnal conquest to compensate our manhood?

    It is nominally an adventure game, and you could well choose to review it for this blog. It might well be a better fit for your writing style!

    1. And spend precious CAPs on that crap? No way, man. I'd rather throw it into a cesspool filled with crap-eating snakes.

    2. While I was looking up the other works of Phil Foglio, author of the amazing webcomic Girl Genius (And the comic from all the old Dragon magazines my Dad has, What's New with Phil and Dixie) I discovered he did a um, adult comic that apparently featured the sex olympics in one issue.