Game 49: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark - Final Rating

By Deimar

Long time no see title screen. How are you doing?

And here we are, deciding the fate of Elvira. Elvira is a strange beast. It tries to be a RPG-graphic adventure hybrid but it seems to me the developers didn’t dare to venture far into any of those genres. Unlike Quest for Glory, the reference hybrid, Elvira doesn’t take too much advantage of its RPG elements. They are there mostly for the combat, and it’s not very exciting, although it doesn’t get in the way (unless you are me and enjoy being beat to a pulp). And the puzzles are not that difficult or creative and there is no NPC interaction to spice the dull moments. However, and even though my last hour and a half of pixel hunting almost drove me mad (or at least quite bored), I will say that Elvira is a good game. Certainly there are better games, but it is quite enjoyable. So let’s see how it fares in the PISSED scale.


Puzzles and Solvability

Elvira is at its core an adventure game. The proof is that there are almost no big enemies in the game that can be beaten by pure strength. And I have to say most of them make sense, in a “I hope you’ve done your homework about terror tropes” way, or there are hints about to solve them. For example, the werewolf just plain tells you how to kill him. The vampiress is dealt with in the typical horror manner. The salt gives you a straight hint about what it is used for and so do the torturer’s bones and the crusader’s sword. And I really like the idea of using spells to solve puzzles a la Loom, Spellcasting or QfG, even though is not really explored.

However, there are some puzzles that are solved through tedious pixel hunting. Finding the key in the stables or the torturer’s bones for example. Or the knight’s corpse. I don’t even know if I should call that a puzzle or simply busywork. Putting Elvira’s ring in the chapel's cross is almost a lucky guess, as nothing makes reference to the ring’s shape. Not even its picture. Fortunately, those are limited occurrences.

Rating: 7

Oh, key! How much I despise you!

Interface and Inventory

I’m a bit conflicted about this one. On one hand, the inventory is quite functional. It could be better. For example, I would like to know what armor I’m wearing or what weapon I’m wielding. Each item has a distinct icon that greatly helps to identify one from another, which is also very helpful. However, there is not a lot you can do with your items. Descriptions are quite short in most cases. Sometimes it is even repeating the name of the item, making the “examine” button not that useful. Another issue is that you can’t combine items apart from using them as a container. For example, to make the silver tipped bolt you have to take the crucible, put the silver cross inside, leave the crucible in the room (which automatically places it in the forge) and put a bolt inside the crucible. It is not impossible but not exactly intuitive either. This mechanic is even more patent when the game makes you use items together without you knowing it. For example, you can’t use the stake on the vampiress until you have the sledgehammer. Or you can’t take the crucible from the forge until you have taken the kitchen mittens or take the burning coal without the tongs. You don’t need to use them, just having them in your inventory works. And there is no message telling you why you can take them now. And don’t make me speak about the iron rings that can be “taken” but have no verb associated and don’t appear in the game room inventory.

Let’s not forget the combat interface. I don’t have too much to say about it to be honest. It is simply functional. It is not very engaging and it is too fast for my taste, but it is functional.

Rating: 6

One of the most satisfying solutions. Even if it leads to nothing.

Story and Setting

The game’s story starts and ends with the manual. There is no story to this game, it’s just a gigantic fetch quest. A funny one, but a fetch quest. Nobody is gonna play Elvira for the story, it is an exploration focused game. The setting is also a bit lackluster. The manual says that EIvira is trying to transform the castle into a bed and breakfast. There is a bar in the main keep, there are rooms being refurbished, the two “museum” rooms (the one at the castle’s gate and the armory) some modern things lying around... And that’s about it. Limited to the main keep and the castle entrance. I think the developers could have included some items tied to the story or some more rooms with modern details, because as it is, you can forget the story is set in modern times and think you are playing a sword and sorcery game.

Rating: 3

And not a drop of good cider. In England. Preposterous!!

Sound and graphics

Music. Music never changes. Or at least only changes about 4 times in the whole game. Taking in account it took me nearly eight hours to complete the game you could say I kind of grew tired of it. It is nice and helps a lot with setting an oppressive atmosphere. It’s the same with sound effects. The only ones you will hear during the whole game are the combat sounds, which are always the same regardless of the enemy. I am still baffled that the Hamlet creature from the lagoon screams. And so do the skeletons. It gets repetitive. I know, I know. It is so because of the limited storage space. But in the end you've spent the whole game listening to the same sounds and music.

But it is all for the benefit of Mr. Graphics. Man, this game is gorgeous. You can take screenshots from Elvira and compare them to any of the other 1990 games and see that this game is superior in this aspect. The amount of detail in each screen, the close ups, the animations, the funny death scenes... It is all very well crafted. And even considering they also get repetitive (you get to see all varieties of grey walls and there aren’t that many) it is still a marvel to watch.

By the way, take a look at the far superior Amiga version which even has digitized speech. Take into account that the music is also different from the DOS version.

Rating: 7

One day Elvira, all this will be yours. What? The maze?

Environment and Atmosphere

This is where the graphics, the music and the overall tone of the game really come together. The game really feels like being inside a bad monster movie. Getting inside the garden is peaceful and bright, and the monsters are probably the less dangerous ones, although they are the most obnoxious. The dungeons and the catacombs are dangerous and tense. But while in the dungeons you get the skeletons and a serious threat, in the catacombs there are the… things, directly taken from monster movies. The underwater scene, where the only music is your heartbeat is very stressing, even when you are in the moat above water. I think it works really well. My praise for the designers in this aspect is they managed to capture the essence of the Elvira premise. If I have one but, it is that I think the game takes itself too seriously whenever Elvira is not in the screen.

Rating: 8

Setting the mood since the very beginning

Dialogue and acting

Speaking of which. I don’t think the game should be punished by this decision but allow me to rant for a little. Why is Elvira relegated to such a small role? She is the titular and only known character, she has a personality more or less well developed by her TV program and the movies... Why would you throw all of that away? I’m pretty sure if any Elvira fan played this game only for Elvira, they would have felt disappointed. It feels like they got the license and threw Elvira into the first game they had that somehow fitted the premise.

Regarding dialogue and acting, well, the acting is mostly fine I guess. The little there is, because there are only two speaking characters in the whole game - Elvira and the gatekeeper. There is no option to interact with any NPC other than killing them. Or make them mix spells for you. This is getting a very low score as you could guess.

Rating: 2

This is the only interaction of our character that doesn’t involve hitting someone

Final Rating

So let’s see. 7+4+3+7+8+2 divided by 0.6 is 52. I’m going to add one discretionary point for the deaths, getting the final score of 53. I think that’s fine taking into account it is a graphic adventure with no dialogues and no story beyond “save the princess, save the world”. The CRPGAddict said that as a RPG he didn’t like it, but it was a decent adventure game. And I wholeheartedly agree. That means Fry takes the prize with his 51. Congratulations!!

Cap Distribution:

120 CAPs for Deimar

• Blogger Award - 100 CAPs - For blogging his way through the game for our enjoyment
• What's Your Story Award - 20 CAPs - For sending What's Your Story -answers

50 CAPs for Joe Pranevich

• Classic Blogger Award - 50 CAPs - For blogging his way through Wizard and the Princess for our enjoyment

20 CAPs for Fry

• On Fire Award - 10 CAPS - For guessing closest to the game’s score
• Simpsons Award - 5 CAPs - For finding a TV show reference in Deimar's post
• Connecting the Dots Award - 5 CAPs - For revealing some King’s Quest trivia

18 CAPs for Kenny McCormick

• Things man is not meant to see Award - 5 CAPS - For watching Elvira 2.
• Ambidextrous Award - 5 CAPS - For providing a satisfactory explanation to the parry and block mechanic
• You know who Award - 5 CAPS - For beating the dare
• Jealousy Award - 2 CAPs - For noticing the really important part in Joe’s post
• Taking The High Road - 1 CAP - For not responding to Joe’s call to caption the slightly obscene hill

15 CAPs for Andy Panthro

• Holy Grail Award - 5 CAPs - For finding movie references in Deimar's post
• Snake Charmer Award - 10 CAPs - For his acquaintance with snakes in all King’s Quests

15 CAPS for Ilmari Jauhiainen

• I dreamt a dream Award- 5 CAPS - For finding a movie reference in Deimar’s post
• Wizard Award - 10 CAPs - For guessing the correct rating for Wizard and the Princess

10 CAPS for Aperama

• Globe Theatre Award - 10 CAPS - For winning the caption contest

10 CAPs for TBD

• Genre Appreciation Award - 5 CAPs - For announcing a GOG weekend sale
• Orange Award - 5 CAPs - For knowing the colour of lions

5 CAPs for Dehumanizer

• Apple Award - 5 CAPs - For sharing some info on Apple II graphics

5 CAPs for Laukku

• Carnivore Award - 5 CAPs - For knowing the feeding habits of lions

5 CAPs for Kenjab

• Genre Appreciation Award - 5 CAPs - For announcing a GOG weekend sale

5 CAPs for Canageek

• Die Hard Award - 5 CAPs - For finding a movie reference in Deimar's post

5 CAPs for Laertes

• The Bard Award - 5 CAPs - For finding a reference to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in Joe’s post

Game 49: Elvira - Won

By Deimar

Jake Spenser Journal Entry #7: "Ok, ok. Let me check the ghost busting manual. Magical sword belonging to a long forgotten king. Check. Six golden keys to open the chest. Check. Burning coal to shot the cannon and destroy the tower hiding said chest. Check. Magic stone to open the tunnel to hell. Check. It seems like is all ok. Time to face the evil witch and get my reward from Elvira. I hope it’s kidney pie. I love kidney pie."

Oh. My. God. This game sure can be frustrating. Even considering I had already played and watched walkthroughs. If you remember, last time I had a little problem with my dexterity score which was making fights really difficult for me. Not that my natural clumsiness was making that part easy anyway. But who doesn’t like a challenge?

He doesn’t. He enjoys beating easy prey like me.

The thing is, I was unable to mix the only spell I thought could help me. And I didn’t have any clue where to get the clover I was missing. Maybe the garden but I hadn’t seen anything there in my last visit. In any case, I needed healing so I mixed a Wooden Heart, the same spell I was given by Elvira at the beginning of the game. I spent all three charges and got back to almost 100 life and 44 strength. And just 27 dexterity…

Well, no sense in crying. I took the sledgehammer and the prayer I found inside the bible in the second floor and ran to the chapel. Only it was more like a walk. A painful and repeated walk. There was a purple soldier in the chapel door waiting for me. These are the most difficult soldiers and they hit like a truck and quite fast also. I tried to best him to no avail, although I took good practice fighting in the screen instead of using the commands. The trick seems to be that is the enemy’s left and right side instead of the screen’s.

And so I tried several different strategies. First I mixed a Brain Ache spell, which slows and paralyzes an enemy, but it did next to nothing. Next round I mixed a Demon’s brew spell, which the manual says is the most powerful attack spell. Two charges worked, but I didn’t want to spent such a valuable resource in this guy. Back to the drawing board I tried mixing a Knightyme Pleasure spell, the most powerful defensive spell, but I was kicked from the game after the third time I failed to give the right ingredients. But Deimar, did you have a brain fart? You DO have a manual with the ingredients, don’t you? I do, I do. But after searching the internet for a bug or something that explained this behaviour I found out that is also a matter of the number of ingredients, not only selecting the right ones (even though there is no number in the recipes in the manual). Great, no protection spell as I hadn’t found the right amount of ingredients apparently. I even tried another healing spell, Clotted Surprise, that did absolutely nothing.

Desperate, I decided to man up and take the purple guy upfront. And by upfront I mean that I used a demon’s brew charge and a crossbow bolt. I don’t know how many charges of the spell I have, but I do know I only need one more bolt.

So… is this where the well of the souls is hidden?

Once in the chapel I approached the altar where the gold chalice was. The gold chalice with an octagonal hole in the middle. Just like the shape of Elvira’s ring. Subtle, isn’t it?. The ring opened a passage under the altar which led to a chamber with a crown in the middle, and a picture at the back with a Latin phrase and the drawing of an angel giving a sword to a knight.

Only the penitent man shall pass

I remembered that a note in the gatekeeper’s office warned about removing the crown, so I let it there for the moment, concentrating my efforts onto the wall. Effort is the name I’ve used to call the sledgehammer. Sadly, it did nothing. They say the pen is stronger than the sword, so I started to pray. In the game too, by reading the one I was carrying. To be fair, the picture also showed someone praying. The wall came down revealing a death skeleton holding a sword. The skeleton seemed to be a king of shorts, but it didn’t have a crown. Hence I put the crown in his head and he allowed me to take the sword. Yes, that means I took it from his cold hands. The sword had the drawing of a hideous monster and a pentacle in the hilt. And I know exactly which hideous monster it was.

He seems so happy with his little toy crown and his little toy sword...

Back to the tower catacombs and to the guy with the stone. Lucky for me, the only enemies I found in the way were the flying skulls, because otherwise I might had been in trouble. The troll was even harder than it looked even considering I now had the right weapon. I managed to kill him in my first attempt, but he took too much life so I reloaded. This fight is special because you don’t have to defend yourself, you just have to spam the attack button until you chop the beast’s hand. I suspect my lack of dexterity was hurting me, but I killed him after receiving just one hit the second time.

Do you want me to give you a hand? Do you catch it? Wink Wink

The runes in the stone told about a hidden passage in the depths of the castle. The crypt he was guarding was mostly empty but for a key inside one of the sarcophagi. Not a golden key, mind you. A rusty key. I was starting to get worry because I was still missing two more keys and I only remembered where one of them was. But I had more work to do down there. I decided to drop the torturer’s bones in the empty sarcophagus and open the water one to see where it would take me.

To the bottom of a cesspool. That’s where it took me.
Become a ghostbuster they said. You will see the world they said.

And it took me to the castle moat after using the rusty key on a gate in the underwater tunnel. I swam a little trying to explore but found nothing. I got back to the tunnel to find a hole in the middle which took me to the bottom of the well in the north east tower. I took some moss in the walls there and used the well’s rope to climb back up.

Beauty is such an empty thing… Just like this moat. Completely empty.

I climbed up to the tower with the cannon and advance a little. There I found a guy which “looks invincible in a close fight”. It’s even stated in the manual. Well, if I’ve learned something from this game is that there is no problem a crossbow to the face can’t solve. The “knight” fell down the walls, presumably to the castle moat. Anyone else coming for another bath?

What’s your favourite colour? Green. NO! Re… AAAAAAAAAAAH!

I hate the castle moat with a passion. Really. It’s fascinating. If you swim at the surface, you can cover like five or so positions in one step. So in order to explore the bottom of the moat you have to dive to the bottom and walk one position at a time. But the moat is four positions deep. And three steps width. And each movement takes some air from you, even turning. Which means that to explore it all and find the knight’s corpse you have to be going up and down all the time. I didn’t even bother to check how long it was before going back to the tunnel’s grate. And there is absolutely nothing in it besides the corpse. Very boring. But I found the corpse. And the sextus (sixth) key which was part of the handguard of the sword.

Somehow I feel the need to search for a puppeteer...

So at this point I was at a total lost about what to do next. I started to explore the castle again, room by room to see if I could find where the missing key was. Most of the enemies were no problem, because they were still red enemies. I think the difficulty increases the more you visit a room, so new rooms were quite easy, as the rest of the castle walls. I didn’t found anything there but a wooden plank in one of the towers which allowed me to see the moat from there.

That moat is deeper than the Atlantic so this doesn’t seem that big of a deal

Back down I went to the dungeons where I had more problems with the enemies, which were green. Took the tongs, without any problem now, but no sign of the key. I re-explored the garden, the keep (taking some burning coal from the kitchen with the tongs), the gatekeeper’s office, the forge, the towers… It was in the stables. Do you remember when I said that getting the torturer’s bones and the golden key there was a bit tricky because they were behind an iron ring that didn’t register as an item anywhere? Well, guess what. There are three “iron ring used to tethering horses”s. Except the third one only says “iron ring”, and is guarding a key. And again it doesn’t register in the room inventory. At least you get it in yours when you drag it. It just seems like these two puzzles were half implemented.

Anyway, time to wrap it up. I went back to the tower with the cannon and did what any sensible person would do. Use the burning coal to ignite it and demolish half of the tower in front. The one from where the knight came. Going there reveals a hidden chamber with a mysterious chest with six keyholes. What could it be, what could it be…

I forgot to wear the casserole and jump inside. Damn it.

Inside the chest, there is a ceremonial dagger and a scroll. I was expecting a good description from both of them but that’s as good as it gets. It seems the developers were as eager to finish as I am right now. Wait for me, Emelda, I’m coming. Yes, Emelda is how the witch is called, although it seems so long ago since we last spoke about her…

At least the devil knows how to make a good presentation when gifting evil daggers and scrolls

I went down to the catacombs and fought my way to the thing I said I missed in the floor in the catacombs entry. There is a new enemy here, which seems to be a scantily clad woman who appears as a ghost and the moment we advance tries to murder us with her dagger. But like the troll, we just have to spam the attack button, which at this point is a relief. The thing I missed is a hole in the floor in the shape of a particular rock with runes which you may remember from this very own post.

To be honest, I’m tempted to let you keep hitting me…

Puzzles 101: Put the thing in the hole with the same shape

Putting the rock opens a hole in the floor which takes us to the lair of the beast. Emelda in all her glory, sitting in an underground throne ruling over the departed. The moment we arrive she stands and tries to steal our vitality. There is a pentacle in the middle of the room, which reminds me of the sword. Using it there stops Emelda's attack. Reading the scroll makes her old again, and a bit of dagger in the chest finished the job. Of course that sequence took a bit of trial and error, but in the end it’s all worth it because we get a lame animation of Elvira and a screen of text telling us congratulations. As if it were a NES game, old school forever.

Amazing, I guess...

UPPER TOWER LEVEL MAP:

The blue squares are position in the open while the white ones are towers. By the way, the road between the SE and SW tower is only three positions. It’s funny how crazy this place is...

DEATH BONUS ROUND (TOTAL DEATHS: 12 and a half)

The crown cannot pass beyond the great stairs!!i

Emelda just sucks me dry

Session Time: 2 hours 30 minutes

Total Time: 7 hours 50 minutes

Game 49: Elvira - Gremlins

By Deimar

Jake Spenser Journal Entry #6 "Ah! Fresh air and a gorgeous view. Just what I need to forget everything about these gho...Oh. They are also here. Never mind. And the fresh air is making me feel sick. I think I need another of Elvira’s concoctions. Not like I’m now an addict. I simply feel the need to get more of her juice. The other one. She says I need some more plants. Is it not enough to have the whole kitchen covered? Why is it always me going to the dangerous places? At least she is good for getting another of those damn keys. These things are hidden everywhere. Well, I guess it’s time to show these gremlins the meaning of the word “genocide”"

Last time I expressed my intentions of going to the top of the castle walls. And I kinda did. There were some problems there that made me reconsider my choice, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Up, up and away!

The stairs from the northwest tower took me to another floor. Mostly empty but for another set of stairs going up and two doors. One in front of me and another one to my right. Going up takes us to the very top of the tower, with a glorious view of the English marshlands. Gorgeous view, but with nothing to do.

The marshes are alive with the sound of music

I went back down and took the door in front of me. As I had guessed, a.k.a I remember because I’ve played the game before, this led me to the castle walls. What follows is a series of outdoor wall sections with a new tower and outskirts view. None of them have anything worth mentioning beside the new iteration of soldiers, but with a closed helm and the usual range of colours. The other thing worth mentioning is that you can take ivy from some plants dangling over the walls.

Spot the seven differences between these guys and the soldiers

After two identical towers I reached the northeast tower. I went down to check if there was another entrance to the castle catacombs but I only found a well. You can actually go down the well, but its is better to avoid it for now, at least until we have a reason to go there. Going up again the next tower has a nice surprise for us, a cannon. Yep, at the top of the tower there is a cannon pointing to the next tower. Suspicious. If I had some violent tendencies I would be tempted to shoot the cannon. Oh, wait. I DO have violent tendencies. I’ll add it to the list of things to do before dying. Next to killing puppies.

Yeah, baby. That’s exactly what it is.

The next part is where I stopped exploring the castle walls. You see, I went further ahead, but soon enough I started to realize I no longer could start a combat in the attacking position and had very little time to attack when I deflected a blow. After studying my char for a while I realized that my dexterity was close to single digits. I don’t know why, but it seems my dexterity has been continuously dropping. It could be due to injuries, but the healing spells can’t bring it up just like they bring up strength, and I had run out of them by now. Fun.

Well, let’s just load a savegame from just before the catacombs, as we didn’t get anything there, and let’s see if I can be more conservative in combat. Nope. I started to panic. I use an incremental naming convention for my saves. From Elvira001 to Elvira005 which was my current save in the tower with the cannon. Each time you save or load, the game asks you to introduce a name. Fine until now. The problem is those names are file names. Old MS-DOS users have probably already spotted the problem. MS-DOS only uses 8 letters for file names. My current naming scheme had 9, which means that all my saves, or more accurately the only save, were overwritten by the last one, as the only character varying was the last one. So… no savegame. Great.

I started to panic. This is a horror game, but I think this fear inside is quite more than the developers intended. Was restarting my only option? I could go ahead anyway but it was clear that soon enough I wouldn’t be able to win any combat. I went back to the kitchen to see If I could make some spells to enhance my dexterity or recover it. Careful study of the spell book revealed that yes, there are a few, but I was missing ingredients. If I wanted to finish the game, I would need to gather those missing ingredients without fighting too much. The missing ingredients were mostly plants. I was not sure, but I had a pretty good idea of where to find them. Time to go to the garden maze.

My saviour!

Until now I have avoided this place because its inhabitants are nasty gremlins. They don’t do damage, but whenever you find one he steals from you unless you can kill him using a missile weapon. Ammo for the crossbow is quite limited and still needed for later sections, meaning that you need ranged spells. I had left only the other starting spell, fingerlight, and I didn’t know it that would be enough to clear the maze. Only one way to know…

Gizmo, caca!

I explored the maze until I ran out of spells and had to run back to the kitchen. But the exploration was not in vain. Although I didn’t find any special room, only more green maze, there are some items dispersed through the map. I got back with some thistle, nettle, fern and even a bird’s egg. I was still missing a four leaf clover for the lucky surprise spell, but I could do something with what I had gathered. For starters, get another fingerlight.

Do you remember the first time we were in the kitchen there was a dark passage behind the goods lift? Time to bring some light into the heart of darkness. My Growing Pride will light up the way. And that’s definitely not a reference to my penis but the name of the spell that can illuminate the way for Elvira, who now comes back with another golden key. Quintus (fifth). Two more to go.

Could you… erm… go back in and out again? A few more hundreds of times?

I resumed the maze exploration to see where it led. The maze is approximately a 10x10 grid with not many things worth notice. At the center, you can reach the gremlins’ lair. A hole between bushes full of little evil eyes. I had spent some spells and bolts to reach here, so I was not ready to just leave empty-handed. I starting raining fingerlights into their little lair until there were no more eyes left.

Now that I was safe, I entered the lair. The first thing I noticed was a ring with a big ruby on it. Elvira’s ring, the eye of Dawn, which her diary indicated had gone missing. Dirty little rascals. A bit further ahead I reached a little pond with a stone cross in the middle. There was not a lot to do in this place but for gathering quite a few lilies and algae from the pond. It’s something, at least.

I like the celtic touch. May I call your designer?

I was still missing that clover so I searched the maze and the rest of the garden clicking on everything to no avail. Sadly, it is still a mystery if I will be able to complete the game. And it will keep like that at least until the next instalment of this series. Keep tuned!

MAZE MAP:

FUN FACT: Take this map and the garden one and explain how can you put this maze in there

DEATH BONUS ROUND (TOTAL DEATHS: 10 and a half):

Ok, ok. Not a death, but I wanted to show it anyway. Now you can see the sacrifices my eyes are making for your sake.

Rockin’ Ricky Rialto fans? No, you are not f… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Session Time: 1 hours 50 minutes

Total Time: 5 hours 20 minutes

Note Regarding Spoilers and Companion Assist Points: There’s a set of rules regarding spoilers and companion assist points. Please read it here before making any comments that could be considered a spoiler in any way. The short of it is that no points will be given for hints or spoilers given in advance of me requiring one. Please...try not to spoil any part of the game for me...unless I really obviously need the help...or I specifically request assistance. In this instance, I've not made any requests for assistance. Thanks!

Game 49: Elvira - Practical Magic

By Deimar

Jake Spenser Journal Entry #5 "Elvira keeps insisting in her abilities as a cook. I hope she turns out better than the old one. As we don’t have anything better to do other than getting some keys, killing her grand grand grand grandmother and saving the world, I give it a try. I don’t know what she gave me, but with just a bit of honey and hay she made me see things. Things no man should know. Like the names of every single plant in the garden. It must also have boosted my courage, a side effect?, as I was able to tackle the werewolf, the gatekeeper and go down to the castle catacombs. It’s important not to mix them with the dungeons. The dungeons are grey, while the catacombs are blue. And my mind is blank."

And now, for the first time since forever, the incredible, the magnificent, the “not-very-adept-at-this-game” Deimar!!! (booing). Performing his legendary act!! (more booing). THE TRANSFORMATION OF HONEY AND HAY INTO SOMETHING A TAD MORE USEFUL!!! (tomatoes being thrown)

The magic system in this game is not very complex. Elvira is the one actually doing most of the work while we only act as kitchen help. Whenever she is in the kitchen with the spellbook we can select her and the “mix” option will light up on the menu. If we select it, a close up of the book comes up showing the list of spells. We can then select any spell and a new page will be open with a blank page on the left and the ingredients we are carrying on the right. Although in my screenshots you won’t see it because I prefer to use the ingredients directly from the floor. That’s the way I roll. Dangerously ignoring the five-second rule.

Nothing insightful to say. It’s a book. I bet you have seen photos of them in your tablets and phones.

The list of ingredients for each spell is part of the copy protection system. The spells come described in a small book accompanying the manual, needing a pair of those funny colored glasses to read them. Or it did until someone actually bothered to transcribe the book. God bless people with too much spare time!. In any case, at the moment we are just going to mix one spell that needs the hay from outside the stable and a jar of honey from the kitchen. Herbal Honey. This spell allows us to “gain knowledge of the true names of all plants”. A.K.A. it’s time for some gardening.

It’s a kind of magic!

After fighting my way through some blue soldiers and monks I got to the garden. Like the spells at the beginning of the game, this one presents itself as a green bottle. One sip and some carrying later and I was back at the kitchen with the floor totally covered in fruits, leaves, roots and any other form of green. However, I was still missing some key ingredients like thistle or nettle to make the other key spell. I suspect that there is the exact amount of ingredients in the game to allow you to craft every spell once, but since some spells share ingredients and not being able to make some of them is a sure way to get to a dead end, I opted to stop making spells and continue exploring.

And so I took the crucible from the forge, the silver cross from the gardener and a pair of kitchen mittens and proceeded to mercy kill a rabid dog. With the help of the mittens we can manage the crucible once we put it into the forge. Then, we can melt the silver cross and dip one of our bolts. Voilà, a silver tipped bolt. I really hope this is what the werewolf meant because if he was referring to any other silver tipped thing he is in for a nasty surprise.

I’m no dog whisperer, but my method certainly works

Such a waste of time. No key, no incredible treasure… The only thing I found there was a bit of horsehair. I was so mad I decided I had to let out my rage. Hence the only sensible thing was to pay a visit to the only other being who had mocked me and didn’t have a good pair of…shoes. The gatekeeper. As I didn’t have any interest in a fair fight, I simply used all of my fire dagger spells to kill him. Well deserved if I may. He was such a poser, reading a blank book. At least I got the “Primus” (first) key, which was hidden behind a notice on the board behind him. The note was a warning to the soldiers about not removing a crown. Useful advice if I ever see a crown, were I not the kind of guy who has a problem with authority figures.

Who is the slimy lizard now? I like my lizard meat medium rare! (comment approved by the Arnold Schwarzenegger committee for bad puns).

I went back to the kitchen, dropped everything and mixed the Alphabet Soup spell using some dandelyons, elderberries and rose petals. The spell is “essential before understanding of runes can be gained”. Basically, there was an inscription at the entrance of the main keep which I couldn’t read and this spell helps with that. The message is “Beware thy very soul lest it exist without flesh or bone”. Useful for pretending being cool at parties, but I don’t see how can it help us with our current predicament.

With nowhere to go now, I decided to start exploring the castle towers. Starting with the northwest one, with its complimentary green soldier. These guys are starting to look like the Power Rangers to me. Inside I was surprised to find that I could go up and down. Guessing that up meant the castle walls, I decided to see what lied in the tower basement. After a short animation of our character going down some spiral stairs, I reached the castle catacombs.

To be fair, considering the whole game is just 4 disks the graphics are impressive. And repetitive.

Another new zone, another new tune. This one a bit similar to the dungeons one, slow and tense. The catacombs are very… blue. Nothing fancy, just plain rock and darkness. Suddenly I remembered that you can put the soul of the torturer to rest here, so I ran back to the kitchen to take his bones and a shovel. Grave robbing ahoy!!

Navigating the catacombs is problematic. There are places where the turn arrows don’t just turn, but also move the character one square which is the reason my maps may not be very exact. I blame the graphics, and you can’t prove it’s just my bad orientation skills so I am right. In each hall there is a crypt. As happened in the dungeons, all the crypts are the same. First an elaborate door with two weird statues holding a skull. And inside you get two sarcophagi with bones.

And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him inside and outside...

However, unlike the dungeons, these crypts are mostly empty. There is one that contains dragons blood inside the skull over the door. Seems a little unfair hiding an object inside an item that in the other occasions can’t be interacted with, but what do I know. Watching my footage from the session, I see I also missed something in the floor of one of the corridors. In any case, the only other crypt with something of interest has an empty sarcophagus and another one not so empty. I tried putting the torturer bones in the empty sarcophagus but I didn’t get any message so I don’t know if that worked. Specially because opening the other sarcophagus in the room kills you, so I didn’t try to leave the remains and go back to the torture chamber.

Not even another vampire or a mummy. These catacombs are no fun.

Yep. It’s the same image used for the bones in the torture chamber. I don’t know if it’s a clue or simply a way to reuse assets.

I left the best for the end. The enemies. Right after you go down to the catacombs, some skulls come flying at you. They are quite easy to dispatch, as they die in one hit. The only caveat is that you have to time your attack with theirs and attack the same side they are attacking. Soon after, you get to meet their flesh puppets… or something. It is better if you just see the picture, I can’t write any description worthy of such a magnificent monster. You kill them by cutting their arm, whose hand converts then into one of the flying skulls.

I have no words for what I’m seeing. But…

... I think it’s time for my first caption contest. Don’t be that guy with the phallic comments!!

And the final interesting thing here is a giant troll that kills you on sight. There is a specific crypt I have not been able to explore because whenever you get near its entrance, this bugger comes and stones you to death. Old testament style. The rock he uses seems to have something written on it, and the game warns you about needing the right weapon to kill him, so it’s a dead end at the moment.

That will be the end of the catacombs for now. We leave almost completely empty handed. Fun. Meet me in the next instalment where we will change the cold stone in the dark for the cold stone in the outside over the castle walls.

CATACOMBS MAP:

DEATH BONUS ROUND (TOTAL DEATHS: 9):

Those are some sharp teeth to make such a clean cut…

Look, I’m cold, I’m wet and I’m just plain scared

Could you bring that stone closer so I can read it? AAAH! NOT SO CLOSE!! NOT SO CLOSE!!

Session Time: 1 hours 10 minutes

Total Time: 3 hours 30 minutes

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