Missed Classic 4: The Scoop - Dead Letter Office

Written by Kenny McCormick

Kenny’s filthy notebook (with list of questionable telephone numbers copied from toilet cubicles) legible page #2: I love my job. Gallivanting around town when everyone’s asleep and breathing in the fresh night air. Ah… Love it when London is so quiet. And filled with murders. Which gets me jobs and thus money. I hope more people gets killed for my financial security. Damn, I’m like a hitman! So cool. Know what would be cooler? A barcode tattoo on the back of my neck!

Huzzah! My first clue!

So, I guess travelling (depending on location and destination) and talking takes time. Talking, regardless of length of speech, would cost me 5 minutes. I’d love to see how that works in real life; some poor dolt having to slowly drawl out his 1-word [Fuuuuuccccccc~~~~~~~hsia !] response to fill out that 5-minute void and an even more unfortunate soul having to scatman his way through a 2,000 word speech in that same amount of time.

I am not sure how much time is required to travel on the train but, hey, the night is still young. I can work from 11pm to 6am, maybe even more since I’d only need to sleep by 3 pm, right? Yeah, right, we’ll see. Anyway, here’s what the note from some guy named Johnson (Teehee! Johnson!) says:

Ooh… an exotic murder weapon…

From this note alone; my bright, intuitive, hot-air-filled head of mine can deduce the following:

1. To be called a Murder Weapon but found someplace else, it would mean that this item was found near where the body was found. Since it was found in a tree, it would mean that the murder location is somewhat wooded and secluded.

2. It’s a dagger, named Medusa, made of jade. And it was thrown away after the killing. This means that the perpetrator/mastermind is filthy and disgustingly bourgeois rich.

3. I have a lead on this shop on “B. Street”. Probably one that deals in curios and antiques.

4. Who the fuc- uh… fuchsia… is Redman? And V. S.? Could it be Victoria Station? Nah. It’s Agatha Christie we’re talking about. It’s gonna be a lot more cryptic than that. As for Redman, he should be a fairly easy person to find. Else, he’d be named “R”.

5. Using an easily identifiable weapon means one of these things:

1. Purely accidental manslaughter: It was a heated discussion and the dagger, which could have been a gift (because who in their right mind is gonna carry this shit around?) from the victim to the killer or vice versa, was used to end it.
2. Religious sacrifice: As an exotic weapon, it may have been used as a ritualistic sacrificial tool. Only way to confirm it would be to check on the location of the murder to see if there are any archaic symbols or paraphernalia around.
3. Opportunistic serial killer: This is the most unlikely scenario because the killer is very rich. He/she has too much to lose and will be too easily identifiable amongst the masses if he/she keeps leaving jade daggers around. If he/she is mentally unsound and the world is not just confined to this small little game universe, it may have been totally plausible. Knowing Agatha Christie, however, this would not happen.
4. Sending a message: This dagger may be a known symbol amongst a close-knit group. The victim may have done something to piss off that well-to-do group and was taken out. This is most probable and would prove most difficult for me to solve as it would involve an entire group of suspects with the possibility that they may even engage a professional assassin to do the job.

Anyway, I’m only just into the game, so I’m sure I could beat this game, not unlike how it did to me so mercilessly more than 2 decades ago. I’m smarter and sexier now, game! Ahem. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Into the station, shall we?

Oh, look! It’s a bobby! I’m sure he’s named anything BUT Bobby unless his parents were clairvoyant or he was way too much into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Hello there! You’re uh… Really? That’s… that’s your name? Oh, great that it’s your last name. So, it’s not your parents' fault.

The cops are already at the crime scene. Man… how am I gonna do my job when they’re trudging around and possibly ruining or contaminating precious evidence that an amateur journalist would need to write an article for? Inconsiderate buggers only concerned with ending crimes to keep the world safe for you and me and bringing a terrible homicidal maniac to justice. What about my needs?

So, anyway, better start testing out my interrogating skills on my first suspect.

Geez! Okay, okay! Frickin’ square. I’m sure you’d just luuuurrrvvee to lock my sexy ass up for your sick corn-holing pleasure.

Might as well make my way to the eastern portion of the station to check out the latest crime scene. Damn it!

Two serious contenders for the “Most Well-Dressed Londoner”. Let’s observe what they’re doing and/or talking about to steal some fashion tips on immaculate British dress sense, shall we?

You can actually eavesdrop on conversations as an option. There are literally no other adventure games that can do this as a gameplay mechanic. You can only do that in some games as part of a cut-scene but to actively select to do that? Frickin’ first and only. Now you guys know why I’ve been harping on this game for so long?

Hemingway is the editor of Morning Star? Why the hell am I trying to contend with a paper whose editor is a Pulitzer Prize winner?!

So, anyway, it seems that Denis Oliver (that pretentious prick with that stupid hat) is the first to be summoned on the scene to identify the body by the cops after he received a call from the victim named Johnson (my note belongs to him!) who happens to be his fellow reporter from the Morning Star.

Ah. Inspector Smart. Maxwell Smart, I presume?

From the interrogation Smart was having with Oliver, I gathered that the same dagger is again missing after retrieval by Johnson. His notebook tampered with (I guess the killer didn’t want anybody to find out about the weapon so he/she had torn out the page and threw it outside the station for me to pick up).

The porter did it! No? Occam’s Razor, man.

“Out of Order” sign, you say? I must have that shit! I’m sure I could deduce a lot of things from that! The ink, the board… hell, even the string used to hang it on the booth could point out the killer! I must find a way to steal it from the police.

After a good dressing down from the police for hiding evidence (oops…), Oliver left the station a happy man since he’s now the only star reporter in the Morning Star. Get it? Star Reporter? Morning Star? Oh, it’s not funny enough for you? Fuc- uh… fuchsia bread is the best. So, my turn to talk to Smart.

Brighton? As in the shop on “B”righton Street? And is there some kind of epidemic of male-pattern hair loss that I should watch out from?

There’s an inquest tomorrow that I should totally attend because that’s where you meet hot chicks. Or was that funerals? Either way, I have plenty of investigation time left before my 3pm bedtime, right? Ha!

Let’s carry on in the next article, shall we?